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  • Revocation of Independence

    I found this on Facebook and just had to post it. Funniest thing I have read in a while. I'm sorry if this may upset a few people, but not sorry enough to not post it. What can I say, sorry?

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    In a fit of anger her majesty Queen Elizabeth II issued the following letter to the citizens of United States of America

    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
    In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You will learn that the suffix ˜burgh” is pronounced “burra”; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ˜Pittsberg” if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Then look up “aluminum” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour”, “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters.

    3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

    4. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “u”.

    5. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

    6. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
    7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for shooting grouse. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot grouse.

    8. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    10. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    11. The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

    12. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

    13. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    14. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    15. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

    16. You will cease playing “American” Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).

    17. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.

    18. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

    19. An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    20. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    Thank you for your cooperation.

    God Save the Queen!


    Revocation of Independence | itzhakts
    Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
    MLK Jr.

  • #2
    Whilst funny, this has been touring the net for so many years, the joke has worn thin

    Comment


    • #3
      haha

      will cameron as your leader youd be even more fekked

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Polwarth View Post
        Whilst funny, this has been touring the net for so many years, the joke has worn thin
        Well, I never knew that as I don't make a habit of touring the net very often. I found it on FB which I do spend a little time on. And, while the joke may have worn thin for others, for myself, and those who haven't read this before, I found it hilarious and certainly appropriate considering what is happening in the US at the moment.
        Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
        MLK Jr.

        Comment


        • #5
          This reminds me (in a roundabout way) -

          Is Berwick Upon Tweed still at war with Russia ?

          I don't think they got a mention in the peace treaty of 1856 ending the Crimean War

          Comment


          • #6
            Yep , I think so , or maybe not .
            personally I don't care

            I just wanna know who hung the monkey in Hartlepool

            Comment


            • #7
              on a ever so slightly off topic manner.

              i was sitting by the stone of scone the other day

              not the real one of course

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by tig View Post
                on a ever so slightly off topic manner.

                i was sitting by the stone of scone the other day

                not the real one of course
                Where is the real one these days?
                Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
                MLK Jr.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by tig View Post
                  haha

                  will cameron as your leader youd be even more fekked
                  I believe you are right there Tig...
                  Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
                  MLK Jr.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by tig View Post
                    on a ever so slightly off topic manner.

                    i was sitting by the stone of scone the other day

                    not the real one of course
                    ... And ?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      the real one is under the thrown in london val...allegedly the real one anyway.
                      i was at another alleged real one though.

                      and what max?.....that was it im afraid

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Westminster returned the Stone of Destiny to Scotland. Think it was in the mid-90s. Still the stories abound that it's not the real Stone

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Polwarth is right, according to what I just googled. It was returned to Scotland in 1996, but when Edward 1 nicked off with it in the first place, they weren't sure if it was the real one even then.

                          So 2 stones and no one knows if either is real. Just think about that for a minute Tig. What if you were sitting to the REAL one! You just missed your opportunity to become the next King of Scotland mate....
                          Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
                          MLK Jr.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by tig View Post
                            the real one is under the thrown in london val...allegedly the real one anyway.
                            i was at another alleged real one though.

                            and what max?.....that was it im afraid
                            ? I was waiting with bated breath , for nothing at all .

                            bugga

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Valmai View Post
                              Polwarth is right, according to what I just googled. It was returned to Scotland in 1996, but when Edward 1 nicked off with it in the first place, they weren't sure if it was the real one even then.

                              So 2 stones and no one knows if either is real. Just think about that for a minute Tig. What if you were sitting to the REAL one! You just missed your opportunity to become the next King of Scotland mate....
                              when the students stole it back in the day they mate a few copies of it before they returned it, so no one knows if they returned the original or not.

                              plus when thieving Ed was on his way to get it its rumored the local monks changed it before he arrived.

                              plus a few olde books described it as made from black metallic rock (from a meteor or something) but all the other ones floating about are white stone.

                              so all in all....nobody knows really.

                              the one i was at is in the Arlington bar in Glasgow, where the students met up after the got it back from londinium

                              Comment

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