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  • Marriage!

    Thoughts About Marriage

    Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

    At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" the other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

    Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

    Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, " I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

    Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

    Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

    A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

    Three rings:

    •Engagement ring, •Wedding ring, •Suffe-ring.

    When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

    In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the wife listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the husband listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.

    It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

    A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

    When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either it is a new car or a new wife.

    A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with dishes.

    A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him," Asked the friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."

  • #2
    ......If They Married:

    If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

    If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

    If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

    If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

    If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!) he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

    If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

    If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

    If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

    If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

    If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

    How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

    If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to get)

    If Jack Handy ("Saturday Night Live" writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

    If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

    If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

    If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

    If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."


    • #3
      Kids View on Marriage

      What Exactly Is Marriage??

      "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, AGE 6

      "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, AGE 9

      How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??

      You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, AGE 9

      "My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, AGE 8

      Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

      "Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, AGE 8

      "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, AGE 5

      How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??

      "They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...............It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, AGE 9

      "My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, AGE 8

      What Do Most People Do on a Date??

      "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, AGE 10

      "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, AGE 9

      When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??

      "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, AGE 10

      "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, AGE 9

      The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??

      "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, AGE 10

      "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, AGE 9

      "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, AGE 7 Submitted by: David [email protected]

      So What Are You Thinking?

      Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

      "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left."

      "None" replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

      "Well the answer is four said the teacher, but I like the way you are thinking."

      Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married."

      Well" said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

      "No," said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."


      • #4
        One Liners!

        It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. -- Rogers

        If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. -- Chekhov

        The most happy marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- Coleridge

        Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms of a chambermaid as a duchess. -- Dr. Johnson

        If a man hears much that a woman says, she is not beautiful. -- Haskins

        A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. -- Du Bois

        A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. -- Moliere

        Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. -- Goethe

        In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. -- Butler

        A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. -- Nietzsche

        Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -- Dumas

        Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. -- Dr. Johnson

        The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? -- Freud

        Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. -- Montaigne

        For a male and female to live continuously together is... biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. -- Robert Briffault

        Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. -- Baskins

        A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.

        A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished. Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.

        Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one?

        Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.

        Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

        Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

        Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

        Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore,marriage is an institution for the blind.

        Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

        Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

        Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

        Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

        Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :

        The Engagement Ring •The Wedding Ring •The Suffe-Ring •The Endu-Ring

        Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

        In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. •In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. •In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.

        It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

        Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

        It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!

        A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

        Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

        Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

        There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

        Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

        They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

        When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

        There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.



        • #5
          More Marriage Quotes

          By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

          A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

          Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West

          Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

          Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

          Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

          Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

          Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

          Do not marry a person that you know you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

          I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

          I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956

          When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

          Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason

          Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

          After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. -- Hemant Joshi

          If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.


          • #6
            wizzy I gotta hand it to ya they were DANM good I lmao till it hurt


            • #7
              from the female perspective

              Marriage (Part I)

              Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

              "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
              boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

              His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

              Marriage (Part II)

              Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

              The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

              "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

              Marriage (Part III)

              Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

              After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

              She says, "I was in bed."

              "In bed this early, doing what?"

              "Getting a second opinion!"

              Marriage (Part IV)

              A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her

              One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

              His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."


              • #8
                oh... btw... wizzy yours were quite funny!!!


                • #9
                  Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat...... He says, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

                  "Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on." So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."

                  Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

                  Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here you try on mine." He does and says, "I can't get into your pants." 

                   Then Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."


                  • #10
                    The definition of a kiss:

                    Its nothing divided by 2 which equals satisfaction to both


                    • #11
                      A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

                      "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
                      The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

                      "Yes I do" she replies.
                      The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?

                      "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
                      The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years'?"

                      "I remember that too" she replied softly.
                      He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today."


                      • #12
                        A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading his items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

                        While the cashier was ringing up his purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, buts he was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

                        She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to his marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

                        The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly.


                        • #13
                          I started a thread in the religion section entitled "Marriage" But marriage is a joke, so it's better suited in this section. Good move.

                          Q: What happened to the married couple?
                          A: They went through intense torture, untill they died miserably.
                          Enjoy Depression: It's all you've got to look forward to-Eeyore