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Scottish Jokes 2

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  • replied
    mm, i'm naughty & nice, so i don't suppose i know what i will get... maybe a nice stocking with some candy & a lump of coal...

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  • replied
    eppie i think he thinks he is santa,keeping a list of who is naughty and who is nice ,ha,oh well i guess i know what i will get for christmas,lol,a stocking full of....lol,how about you eppie,naughty or nice,well we know what MD is getting,lol.

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  • replied
    oh stop it... you know you love it when we are naughty!

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  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Weel noo, 'n' that was the written version!
    Jist wait 'til ye hear it spoken!
    Not like my uncle Billy Connelly, he's frae Glesgy; more like my uncle (Sir) Sean Connery frae Edinburgh, Auld Reekie!
    But I've still got mah ain teeth, so my siblings sound jist right!
    If the tiddlywinks or dwarf throwing world champs ever get down your way, you might get a chance to hear my dulcets!
    I have taken note of who is being unkind to me today! Look out, is all I'll say to y'all.
    Seehow MDhas not joined you in your naughtiness. Yep, I must be falling . . . .
    MB

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  • replied
    crack me up MM... those were good!
    and thanks for helping with MB's native tounge... that will definately help in future conversations!!

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  • replied
    Hey,this is for MB,,wow,your language is about as hard to understand as ours is here in the South,lol

    How to speak New Zealand Mark as unread


    say out loud for full effect!

    Milburn - capital of Victoria
    Peck - to fill a suitcase
    Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
    Pigs - for hanging out washing with
    Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
    Pug - large animal with a curly tail
    Nin tin dough - computer game
    Munner stroney - soup
    Min - male of the species
    Mess Kara - eye makeup
    McKennock - person who fixes cars
    Mere - Mayor
    Leather - foam produced from soap
    Lift - departed
    Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
    Kittle crusps - potato chips
    Ken's - Cairns
    Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
    Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
    Inner me - enemy
    Guess - vapour
    Fush - marine creatures
    Fitter cheney - type of pasta
    Ever cardeau - avocado
    Fear hear - blonde
    Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
    Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
    Duffy cult - not easy
    Amejen - visualise
    Day old chuck - very young poultry
    Bug hut - popular recording
    Bun button - been bitten by insect
    Beard - a place to sleep
    Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
    Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
    Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
    Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
    One Doze - well known computer program
    Brudge - structure spanning a stream
    Sex - one less than sivven
    Tin - one more than nine
    Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
    Earplane - large flying machine
    Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
    Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
    Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
    Cuds - children
    Pits - domestic animals
    Cuttin - baby cat
    Munce - usually served on toast

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  • replied
    MM,

    Those last two were great!!!! LOL!!

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  • replied
    A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
    When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
    He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at
    attention?"
    The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!

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  • replied
    A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.
    As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

    She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

    Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

    Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said... "I donna know where y'been laddy...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"


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  • replied
    Pssst,ok,we will think of you,lol

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  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Poor bluddy Angus! What has he ever done to deserve that?
    It's as bad as all those films of war etc, where the leader suddenly shouts to his troops "Fire at will!".
    We never see this Will, nor are we told what he did to get people so mad at him! Poor bluddy Will!

    BTW - next time that happens on a film you're watching, just think of me. Go on, make my day!
    MB.

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  • replied
    Sorry,Paddy,and anyway they both are missing fingers,hahahaha!

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  • replied
    Well it could have been Angus instead of Patty,lol

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  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Come on, now, MM, that Paddy and Seamus joke was Irish, not Scottish.
    Our Irish cousins are the thick ones, we're the mean ones.

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  • replied
    good ones MM!

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