Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Scottish Jokes 2

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #31
    A Scottish fitba fan told his mate, "My dug watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and doon and claps its wee paws. When we lose it somersaults."
    "Yer Kiddin me right? How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend.
    The Fitba fan replied, "depends how often I kick it..."

    Comment


    • #32
      Paddy and Seamus landed themselves a job at the local sawmill. Just before morning tea Paddy yelped, "Seamus, I've lost me bleedin finger!!!"
      "Have you now?" says Seamus, "And how did you do it?"
      "Well, I just touched this big spinning thing here like this... damn it, there goes another one!!!"

      Comment


      • #33
        good ones MM!

        Comment


        • #34
          Come on, now, MM, that Paddy and Seamus joke was Irish, not Scottish.
          Our Irish cousins are the thick ones, we're the mean ones.

          Comment


          • #35
            Well it could have been Angus instead of Patty,lol

            Comment


            • #36
              Sorry,Paddy,and anyway they both are missing fingers,hahahaha!

              Comment


              • #37
                Poor bluddy Angus! What has he ever done to deserve that?
                It's as bad as all those films of war etc, where the leader suddenly shouts to his troops "Fire at will!".
                We never see this Will, nor are we told what he did to get people so mad at him! Poor bluddy Will!

                BTW - next time that happens on a film you're watching, just think of me. Go on, make my day!
                MB.

                Comment


                • #38
                  Pssst,ok,we will think of you,lol

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.
                    As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

                    She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

                    Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

                    Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said... "I donna know where y'been laddy...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"


                    Comment


                    • #40
                      A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
                      When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
                      He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at
                      attention?"
                      The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        MM,

                        Those last two were great!!!! LOL!!
                        sigpic * ~ Megan ~ *

                        To cherish what remains of the earth and to foster its renewal is our only legitimate hope of survival.
                        -Wendell Berry

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Hey,this is for MB,,wow,your language is about as hard to understand as ours is here in the South,lol

                          How to speak New Zealand Mark as unread


                          say out loud for full effect!

                          Milburn - capital of Victoria
                          Peck - to fill a suitcase
                          Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
                          Pigs - for hanging out washing with
                          Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
                          Pug - large animal with a curly tail
                          Nin tin dough - computer game
                          Munner stroney - soup
                          Min - male of the species
                          Mess Kara - eye makeup
                          McKennock - person who fixes cars
                          Mere - Mayor
                          Leather - foam produced from soap
                          Lift - departed
                          Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
                          Kittle crusps - potato chips
                          Ken's - Cairns
                          Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
                          Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
                          Inner me - enemy
                          Guess - vapour
                          Fush - marine creatures
                          Fitter cheney - type of pasta
                          Ever cardeau - avocado
                          Fear hear - blonde
                          Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
                          Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
                          Duffy cult - not easy
                          Amejen - visualise
                          Day old chuck - very young poultry
                          Bug hut - popular recording
                          Bun button - been bitten by insect
                          Beard - a place to sleep
                          Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
                          Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
                          Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
                          Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
                          One Doze - well known computer program
                          Brudge - structure spanning a stream
                          Sex - one less than sivven
                          Tin - one more than nine
                          Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
                          Earplane - large flying machine
                          Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
                          Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
                          Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
                          Cuds - children
                          Pits - domestic animals
                          Cuttin - baby cat
                          Munce - usually served on toast

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            crack me up MM... those were good!
                            and thanks for helping with MB's native tounge... that will definately help in future conversations!!

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Weel noo, 'n' that was the written version!
                              Jist wait 'til ye hear it spoken!
                              Not like my uncle Billy Connelly, he's frae Glesgy; more like my uncle (Sir) Sean Connery frae Edinburgh, Auld Reekie!
                              But I've still got mah ain teeth, so my siblings sound jist right!
                              If the tiddlywinks or dwarf throwing world champs ever get down your way, you might get a chance to hear my dulcets!
                              I have taken note of who is being unkind to me today! Look out, is all I'll say to y'all.
                              Seehow MDhas not joined you in your naughtiness. Yep, I must be falling . . . .
                              MB

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                oh stop it... you know you love it when we are naughty!

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X