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Scottish Jokes 2

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  • Scottish Jokes 2

    Warning,a lil bit of adult humor!so read at on risk...........A British couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off. The Brit's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place the ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Allo! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to by any!"

    The Brit immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Paul, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

    Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman! You've no knickers! Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me!"

    He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Patrick, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoot mon woman! Why d'ye have nae knickers?" She too explains, "You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!"

    The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit."


  • #2
    Ha, i quite liked it.

    Although, you're on thin ice. As this isn't crap kiddy humor some as.shole may be offended.
    Enjoy Depression: It's all you've got to look forward to-Eeyore

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    • #3
      i think it will be ok,i have read some a lil more offensive,and a lil more 'crude'hopefuly we are mature enought to enjoy some adult humor,if not we will continue to post in the kiddie jokes .

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      • #4
        LOL very good misery i liked that

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        • #5
          Thank you,thank you very much!! lol

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          • #6
            Two English ladies in a tea-room in the Lake District were discussing where to go on their annual holiday. The first lady said: "We're going to Tenerife in the Canary Islands". Her companion turned up her nose at that idea and commented: "You shouldn't go there! In a place like that there are far too many of those noisy Scots getting drunk all night and creating a lot of noise." Suitably chastened, the first English lady asked "Well, where are you going this year?" Smugly, the second lady said "We are off to
            Tuscany in Italy." Her friend looked shocked and said: "But we were there last year - it's full of hundreds of noisy Glaswegians getting drunk all day and night and playing loud music everywhere." A little old Scots lady sitting at a nearby table leaned over to the two English ladies and said firmly: "Why don't you both go to Hades - you'll find lots of English folk like yourselves there - and no Scots."

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            • #7
              The Wall



              --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


              A Scotsman & a Englishman are strolling along the beach when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie.

              "I'll give you each one wish for freeing me" says the genie.
              The Englishman thinks then wishes. "I believe in an England for the English, I'm sick and tired of all these Jocks coming into MY country. I wish for a huge wall around England - to keep the English in and the Scots out."

              POOF and it's done.

              The Scotsman thinks. "Genie?" he says "tell me about this wall". "Well" says the genie "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, nothing can get in and nothing can get out".

              "OK" says the Scotsman "Fill it with water".


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              • #8
                Smashin', miserysmother, The Wall is brilliant!!! :-)))
                Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

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                • #9
                  I found it quiet funny,but:note:,i didnt write it so nothing against the English,or Scots.

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                  • #10
                    Sorry, I haven't said that. And I didn't mean that.
                    It could be too a joke about blonds or some-one else...couldn't it? ;-)
                    Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

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                    • #11
                      I know,just didnt want anyone to think,i did'nt like the English,hell i like everyone,well almost,lol.

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                      • #12
                        Kilty :
                        A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City. It's a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt.
                        A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt.

                        "No lassie" he replies, "everything is in fine working order."


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                        • #13
                          How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
                          Och! It's no auw that dark!
                          --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                          A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!
                          He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"
                          He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"

                          --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                          A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."


                          --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          TherA young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall,holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
                          Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
                          "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
                          The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
                          Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
                          Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
                          The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
                          Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
                          After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
                          "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
                          on your leg."
                          The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
                          "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
                          The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
                          "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
                          "Aye," said the lad, nodding.
                          The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
                          Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
                          three pennies?"


                          --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                          Five Scotsmen boarded a train just behind five Englishmen, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Englishmen piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Englishmen slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Englishmen came out and took their seats. The Scots were tremendously impressed by the Englishmens' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Scots decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Englishmen had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Englishmen piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Scots into the other. Then one of the Englishmen leaned out, knocked on the Scot's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

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                          • #14
                            I just gotthis one from a 'new' friend on website http://www.screenwritersutopia.com.

                            A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction."85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply.

                            "Och huv ye no got anything cheaper", replies the Scotsman getting agitated.
                            "But that's the normal charge for an extraction, sir", said the dentist.

                            "What about if you didn't use any anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully,

                            "Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for 70", said the dentist.

                            "Hmmmm, what about if you used one of your dentist trainees and still without anaesthetic", said the Scotsman,

                            "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say 40", said the dentist.

                            "Och that's still a bit much, how about if you make it a training session and have your student do the extraction and the other students watching and learning", said the Scotsman hopefully.

                            "Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only 5 in that case", said the dentist.

                            "Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman..."Can you book the wife in for next Tuesday".

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                            • #15
                              Maggiesboy,just like to wish you luck with the screenwriters site,hope you get someone to take a look at your writings.

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