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Short story I wrote

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  • Short story I wrote

    Ok so a few years ago I entered a contest of sorts for a bedtime story and this is what I wrote. I would love to get feedback from people if they would be up for giving me some. Don't be affraid of being honest, if you don't like it, or think some parts could really be better please say so. I'll never get better if people just lie to me. Of course if you think it's just good, well that works for me too.
    Thanks.



    "Live a Little Dream"

    Becca felt free and happy as she walked across the dewy grass.

    She recognized every step, yet knew she had never been there. As she turned the corner of the courtyard there were two rows of blossomed dogwood trees that had recently shed many of the previous blossoms. A light breeze was blowing about the white dogwood petals like little snowflakes.

    Becca was amazed at how effortlessly she was able to move, but couldn't think why that would be a bother.

    A gray castle started to come in to view just over the ridge. Although she knew this place new to her, she also knew this was where she belonged.

    As she walked through the entry way to the doors she heard a crying of toddler in the back round.

    Suddenly Becca's eyes flew open. The little boy in the apartment next to hers was crying, and the morning sun was shinning through her window.

    She slowly scooted herself to an upright position in her bed while she got her bearings.

    "Dam it was all a dream"

    She rubbed her eyes, stretched, and reached for her wheelchair.

    As she went through her morning routine she felt a different kind of depression. Often since the car accident she had found if difficult to cope with the changes in her life. Selling her house to pay medical bills was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do. But since waking up from what like should have been her life she just couldn't crack a smile.

    When Jamie showed up to take her to her doctor’s appointment is was all she could do to not cry in front of him.

    Doctor’s appointments had replaced her workday. She was no longer the vibrant, independent woman she loved being. Her life was filled with physical therapy, reconstructive surgery, and pain management. Becca didn't want to believe this was to be her fate still she couldn't help feeling there was no way out of this.

    Jamie was always sympathetic towards her feelings yet hard on the facts.

    "Why don't you do your exercises? You know it is your choice to be like this."

    "It's easy for people to say when they aren't the one that has to do the work, or go through the pain."

    While in the car on the home she watched parents in the park with their children, the joggers running with their dogs, and squirrels climbing the trees. All she felt was anger that she couldn't be there with them.

    That night while watching the Learning channel Becca saw something that jolted her memory back to her dream. There was a dogwood tree in the back round with petals from it floating to the ground. She longed to be back in her courtyard dream. Dreaming was quickly becoming the only thing that she could still do effortlessly. So she often found herself going to bed earlier every night, and staying in bed as long as she could.

    The scent of lavender was thick, and the air was cold yet comforting. On approach to the gray castle Becca felt at ease with everything. She stepped through the great wooden door with a look of anticipation for what would be seen around the corner. Upon entering Becca saw a large curving staircase going up to a platform where there were two stained glass windows with Celtic designs in them. To her right was a large dining room decorated with various battle paraphernalia on the walls, and suits of armor in the corners. To her left was a large living room with burning fire, paintings of people from centuries long ago, and colorful tapestries. As she looked closer in the living room she looked at the red velvet couch, and the man that was sitting there. This man of at least 6’5 with jet-black hair stood up and started to glide towards her.

    “There you are I was starting to think you were never going to come back”

    “Come back? I’m sorry I had not realized I had been.”
    The stranger grabbed her hand pulling her in to the room. She floated as if she were a butterfly going from flower to flower to sniff.

    “Don’t you recognize your home of heart?”

    Quickly she smiled, she smiled because she knew it was true, but didn’t know how. How could this be where her heart belonged when she didn’t know where this was?

    He smiled at her again.

    “All you need to do is deiced this is what you want to work for and it’s yours”

    Becca’s eyes open with a shot.

    “What the hell was that all about?”

    Today was physical therapy. She hated these appointments above all others. They were painful, and her therapist couldn’t accept that she just couldn’t do the exercises. Not only would it hurt while she was there but she would be in pain hours later from one little leg movement. Why couldn’t they just let her be?

    Her brother Dustin showed up in his usual morning happiness that pissed her off every time.

    “Come on now sis lets see what this new doc is like”

    Oh she had forgotten she was going to a new physical therapist today, maybe this would be better she thought maybe this guy will understand she has limitations.

    As Dustin wheeled Becca in to the therapist she had to gasp for air. There right in front of her was the man from her dream, just as she had remembered him. Quickly she turned about 10 shades of white all at once. How is this man here now?

    “Becca Jenkins I presume?”

    “Um uh yeah, I mean yes”

    “Hello Becca my name is Charles, and I’ll be working with you today. I see here your last therapist last had working with the ball is that correct?”

    “Yes but it was really to much for me to do.”

    “To much? Odd I would have thought you would be past that. In your records is says your accident was almost a year ago. You should be at least to being able to stand for very short periods of time with the help of the bars.”

    “Well I’m not.”

    “Ok well lets see what we can do and start with that.”

    The next hour had a lot of hard work, mostly Charles working at getting Becca to do something.

    “You know Becca it is up to you if you want to walk again, you just have to deiced you want it bad enough to work for it.”

    “What did you say?”

    “I said you just have to...”

    “I heard you I just can’t believe you said that. You have no idea how much pain I’m in. I’ve accepted the fact I won’t walk again why can’t doctors?”

    “First of all I do know how much pain you are in. I was once just where you are now; I know the pain, fear, and hopelessness of it all. Second the doctors aren’t going to give up when we know you can walk again if you work at it.
    If we did we wouldn’t be very good.”

    “You were in a wheelchair?”

    “Yes.”

    “What happened?”

    “In short I was in an accident.”

    “And you got out.”

    “Yes but only after my wife made me realize how selfish I was being.”

    “Selfish, selfish, I’m not being selfish. I...”

    “Your right I’m sure your friends, and family aren’t at all hurt by seeing you like this. Sorry what was I thinking? I’m writing a list of small exercises I want you to do before your next appointment in two days.
    If you don’t do them don’t bother to come in. I am one that will do anything to help people, but they have to want to be helped first. I would rather give that time to someone that will do something with it.”

    In the car on the way back home Becca didn’t say a word, she just sat there fuming. All the anger she felt about being in the chair, about losing her independence, losing her sense of freedom was boiling over. How dare he make her feel like she had done this to herself.

    When she got home Becca didn’t ask Dustin to come in or even chat with him in the car, she just ate a very early supper and went to bed. She didn’t want any part of a world that didn’t feel part of her. As she lay in bed all she could do was cry and think of all she had missed in the past year, and all that she would miss from chair. She slowly drifted off to sleep wishing with all her might that she could just get up and get a drink of water.

    Becca was in the living room on her red velvet couch. By her side was a nice glass of port wine. There was an aroma of fresh baked bread coming from the hallway, mixed with a sense of garlic. As she started towards the dining room
    she looked at one of the tapestries on the wall. It was a picture of a young woman on a small island in a wheelchair. She was surrounded by beauty yet looked very sad. The closer she got the more she realized she was the young woman. Suddenly Charles turned the corner.

    “Are you ready?”

    “Ready?”

    “Well you are here so I thought that meant you have deiced this is what you want.”

    As Becca took a deep breath she could say the only thing that came to her mind.

    “Yes I’m ready.”

    Morning came and Becca was a different person. Suddenly she realized she may not have chosen to get hit by a drunk driver, but she had chosen to stay in this chair for a year.

    “Not one more minute then I have to from now on.”

    The pain was almost unbearable for the first few days but now she had set herself a goal. She had called a travel agency and booked the most nicest, inexpensive trip to Scotland she could.

    “I am no longer going to live through my dreams, but am going to live my dreams.”



    When I think of bedtime stories I like to think of something that is going to
    give images that you can sleep to, while at the same time having some kind of a
    personal growth story to it so you can think about it in your sleep. I know
    it's not my best stuff the message means a lot though.
    Humanity is my religion

  • #2
    I have a question. . .

    Is this a children's bed time story or more of an adult fantasy short story?
    If it's for children, you might want to cut some of the interjections and color, maybe say Rats or mad at instead of damn or pissed off. If it's for adults, don't worry about it!


    Here comes the English Teacher stuff! LOL

    "But since waking up from what like should have been her life she just couldn't crack a smile." Grammatically, there are a few things. For example, you have used 'like' as a metaphor, but it's poorly constructed. Using like this way can show personality in speaking, if you are writing dialog for someone young or from an area where this is used commonly, but shouldn't be used in narrative. Maybe a better way to phrase this would be to say, 'But since waking up from what she wished her life was like, she just couldn't crack a smile'. Or, 'But since waking up to face what her life had become, she just couldn't crack a smile'.


    Your1 right I’m sure your2 friends, and family aren’t at all hurt by seeing you like this." Your, in this first case should be the contraction 'you are' written, you're. Your, in the second case is the possessive form on the word you and used correctly.


    "Dam it was all a dream" dam is the tool to block water, try damn.


    "While in the car on the home she watched. . ." Do you mean while in the car on the way home?


    Who is Jamie? Is he or she a sibling? A friend?


    Check your punctuation, there are commas used in wrong places and commas missing where they need to be. Back to damn for example, you are using that as an interjection and it needs punctuation. A light emphasis on the emotion can be portrayed by saying "Damn, it was all a dream" or you can do strong feeling by saying "Damn! It was all a dream". Both are correct.


    You have some very good narrative, I liked the part in the beginning where you said she recognized every step. It tells the reader that it's more than remembering how she was, she can still feel the actions of walking and has a relationship with what she is walking on.
    Last edited by kathyv; 3 June 2006, 06:34.


    Come to the Dark Side, we have cookies!

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    • #3
      Kathy
      Thanks for your suggestions.
      To be honest I hadn't thought about who the person was that I was writing it to because it was part of a small contest. I'm going to be rethinking that through. As far as your other suggestions I'll be working on those too. Thank you for letting me know your thoughts on this story.
      Humanity is my religion

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