Culture Shock! Scotland - Hints for the savvy US traveler.

Oops! Sorry, originally posted this in the wrong forum.

1.) As soon as you deplane, if you don’t see any men in kilts playing bagpipes, exclaim loudly: "WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN IN KILTS PLAYING BAGPIPES?" The Scots are a hospitable people, and will be glad to produce a piper in kilt immediately.

2.) Everyone in Scotland is highly interested in your Scottish ancestry, even if you bled out all your Scottish blood at your last papercut. Please be sure to engage each Scot you meet in long educational monologues about your Clan history, tartan, clan motto, badge, etc... The average punter just can't get enough of this, and will be enthralled for hours on end.

3.) Be sure to tell the owner of every business establishment that you visit how things are done in the US. Scottish businesspeople are keen on improving quality of service up to US standards.

4.) Scots will appreciate your efforts to mimic their various accents. There’s no better compliment to pay someone than to imitate their accent. (A note to all the ladies interested in meeting Scottish men… if you get the accent right, all those kilted bagpipers will swoon for you.)

5.) Everyone in Scotland prefaces every phrase or sentence with “Aye”, and finishes it with “mate”. For example: “Aye, och aye the noo… mate.”

6.) The Scott Monument is a wonderful place to visit if you are claustrophobic. It is one of the few monuments in Scotland built with the concerns of the claustrophobic in mind.

7.) Remember at all times to use the term “plaid” or “plad”. Scots NEVER use the word “tartan”.

8.) To praise anything or anyone in Scotland, always use the word “cute”. Scots just love that.

9.) Scots are quite proud of the fact that Scotland is like Brigadoon come out of the mists, or a living stage for a “Highlander” film. Be sure to describe things as “quaint”, which is the term they use themselves.

10.) Be sure to behave in “’disorderly, loud and uncivilized behavior’ out and among the populace... in other words, being a Scot.” You’ll make all sorts of friends in no time at all.

11.) Ask every kilted man, "What do you wear under your kilt?" This
is a standard Scottish greeting.

12.) Be sure to visit as many US "chain" restaurants and pubs in Scotland as possible. Scots eager to meet people from the US are bound to be there in droves. Of course, US fast food is far superior to Scottish cuisine.

13.)Be sure to mention how everything in the US is bigger, faster, and costs less Most Scots are unaware of these facts, and will thus be reminded of what a privilege it is to live in Scotland

(copyright M.F. 2000)


------------------
"The happiest moments in any affair take place after the loved one has learned to accommodate the lover and before the maddening personality of either party has emerged like a jagged rock from the receding tides of lust and curiosity."

Quentin Crisp

[soulsister]

oh sonsie, you are one wicked person!!

Anyone taking notes on what sonsie has just posted should also add to the bottom their next of kin and don't forget the organ donor card!



------------------
Scots Wha Hae.....

Originally posted by soulsister:
oh sonsie, you are one wicked person!!

As they say here in Maine (Vacationland), "Wicked good!" Thanks Sister Soul.

Originally posted by soulsister:
Anyone taking notes on what sonsie has just posted should also add to the bottom their next of kin and don't forget the organ donor card!

Excellent suggestions! Thanks for adding a couple more.

------------------
"The happiest moments in any affair take place after the loved one has learned to accommodate the lover and before the maddening personality of either party has emerged like a jagged rock from the receding tides of lust and curiosity."

Quentin Crisp