Member of Public part 2

[Pernikity]

3) Review of Defence spending. You know these long tubes that are scattered about collecting dust, and go for trips around the world, nooo not MPs or MSPs, Trident nuclear missiles! These will be scrapped, and the submarines turned into underwater tourist busses. MOPs can also purchase one-way tickets to anywhere but the UK, they will be jettisoned near the beach of their choice in the middle of the night, therefore allowing them to remain unknown and don’t have to admit to being British. Creating an income to pay for wars, which as humans, we seem to just relish. Instead of troops going to war, high heid yins in the military will be sent over, a boxing contest arranged, with the winner gaining control of the situation. (If we don’t win the first time we’ll make it best of three). This will save many lives, injuries, grieving families, and money. Our soldiers could then be gainfully employed guarding large events like Commonwealth Games, Ryder cup golf etc. Therefore saving have to employ private security companies who bid for a project and then don’t deliver, but still want paid. APPROVED 06/10/2012

3) Review of MPs MSPs Civil servants, and local government big wigs salaries and conditions. The review will include. Do we really need them? How much are they worth? How many mistakes they have made and should they pay for them themselves. (e.g. the latest fiasco that will cost in excess of £40million for the cancellation of the rail franchise for the West Coast rail line). Yes we unfortunately do need leaders and high head yins, but there terms and conditions could be changed. If they make a mistake that costs the taxpayer money, they will have to pay for the debacle themselves. All persons earning over £55000 (my age 5 years ago) will have there terms and conditions reviewed, questions like are they doing a decent job, are they paying there taxes, not just by the letter of the law, but by the spirit of the law itself. Any person within these occupations who will earn a pension of more than £50000 (my age 10 years ago) will not receive a state pension. Anyone who has a salary of more than £60,000 will be sacked and go to the back of the dole queue, where they will be hounded by people who have been employed from the front of the dole queue. Therefore allowing a reversal of the present increase in the state pension age for MOPs. This will in effect cause a reduction in salaries and conditions for all high heid yins throughout the country, as the above leaders of society wont allow any one else to earn more or have better conditions than themselves. All dodgy decisions can and will be reversed e.g., the person or persons who organised the retirement of the Chief Fire officer on a full pension and was then rehired, the person or persons who received public money, when they were charged with bringing the Scottish Parliament building and the Edinburgh tram line within a fixed budget, but which will cost the taxpayer many millions of pounds more, will be tried and if found guilty Review 1 will be enacted. APPROVED 06/10/2012

4) Review of Gambling and irregularities in the banking sector. The banking sector has a lot to answer for; the collapse of world economies will take many generations to fix. This has to be a top priority, therefore a special court will be convened which will deal only with banking issues, all monies over the last 15years in respect of bank bonuses and excessive pay will have to be returned to the country, which should pay off a significant part of the present dept, Review 1 will also be enacted if person or persons known to all of us are found guilty. They will also be gainfully employed making abacus sets for schools around the country whilst they are in prison, therefore a saving can be made in education. APPROVED 06/10/2012

5) Review of ATOS healthcare (French owned company) (read this carefully, I think I have got it right) Do we need them? We pay Doctor’s, Surgeons and Nurses in the NHS for competent information as to the current state of our health. We then have a so called medical, carried out by ATOS (a French company)which is really a box ticking exercise, conducted by unknown individuals, who then decide that everyone who comes before them is fit to work for jobs which are not there. If we have to review patients, deemed unfit by practitioners, and find that people could be working, the doctors who have made mistakes in wrongly diagnosing malingerers unfit should be put before the GMC and if necessary disciplinary action taken against them. Any vacancies, which result, could then be filled by new recently graduated doctors that we have paid for, thus saving excellent skills from being wasted on the dole. They will then be able to pay of their dept. Ie, it is the dodgy doctors we want to get removed from the NHS, not the harassment of genuine patients.
APPROVED 06/10/2012

6) Review of Referenda - there will be in the next 5 years three referendums M) (Too much attention is given to A, B, and C) Should Scotland remain in the UK? O) Should the UK or part thereof remain in Europe? P) Should all MPs remain in Parliament?
These referenda will now be given a sporting or games theme, therefore giving the nation a taste of keep fit whilst making important decisions.
M) This referendum will be decided by tug o war. The location will be the Scottish/English border in a field near Gretna Green. Team captains will be Nicola Sturgeon for the ‘lets get out quick party’ and Alistair Darling will lead the ‘better the devil you know party’. The winner will be the first team to pull the opposing team over the border.
O) This referendum will be carried out country wide at various polling stations, where dart boards will be set up. Any one who scores a bull’s eye will be counted as a stayin, anyone who hits the rest of the board will be counted as staying out. Anyone who misses the board completely will be counted, as a dinny knows.
P) All politicians will decide wither they remain in the Parliament or not. A game of pass the parcel will be organised, watched by MOPs, when the music stops the MP holding the parcel will be sacked, and they then join the back of the dole queue. This laborious (don’t worry MPs are used to this) process will continue until we get bored, and the remainder will then be allowed a park bench in Parliament Square, where all debating will now take place. This will reduce Parliament costs significantly, and allow every MOP a free holiday in Saltcoats. MSPs will do a similar exercise in Holyrood and the MSPs left will debate in Holyrood Park next to her majesties gaff.

The first questions for the reconvened park administrators will be, If you believe that everyone is in this together, when was the last time you stood in a queue at a food bank hoping to get your next meal?
The first bill will be, anyone who has avoided paying there taxes by the spirit of the tax law will be fined, up to all of there wealth, imprisonment and there names will go on to a register of, it weren’t me gov. where this will be used to assess wither they should be eligible for employment in the future.
The creation of a not for profit power company, why should shareholders make profit from MOPs having to heat there homes in the winter months.
The sooner we implement these reviews the less damage can be done to our fair land.

The above reviews are taken in the context of the deepest recession since the Second World War, and therefore all approved reviews have to be austere. After all, it is only right and proper that the people in power during the latest boom and bust should pay for their mistakes. Neither of the two Ronnie’s or their scriptwriters could have thought of a more ridicules bunch of numpties for there comedy sketches. It is such a shame that the MOPs of this fair land will have to pay of a mountain of debt, for a very long time to come.
I have produced these reviews with no cost to the taxpayer, although a donation for expenses of £6million to pay the electricity costs for my laptop and the four candles I have used during the night time reviews, more reviews could be added by any or all MOPs. I wish to thank my wife for supplying the herbal tea and the NHS for fitting a feeding tube into my Jejunum over a year ago and supplying me with free (well it is at the moment) liquid feed and 40 odd tablets and potions I take daily, this has allowed me to continue in my reviews without having to stop for a proper tea break. Don’t tell the unions or ATOS Healthcare. (I’m not kidding)

Your MOP leader, (elected by due diligence)

OLDGROUCH