Things you need to know before getting married

[PRgirl]

Originally posted by Scottish_Republican
"Why haven't you found the right woman for marriage? I wonder? You know I can't even think of not being married really."

Decent women (as opposed to merely physically attractive women) are hard to find, and too many of them are taken!!! I have had the opportunity probably to get to the point of marriage with several women, but it simply wouldn't have been worth it. My dad was in a loveless marriage for forty years, and then he met my mum and they got on like a house on fire. I don't think it is a matter of "the one", but "the few". I guess you have to adapt, and they do too. It's not about perfection, it's about avoiding a horrible mistake.

PRgirl:Hmmm,one of my best girlfriends said to my husband once in Spanish (I will translate for you) "You did not let Vida sit around waiting for a husband did you? You married her right off at eighteen years of age. Did not give her a chance to look around." That made me laugh. But the real test of the relationship has been the 21 years that have passed since. And why it has held up I think (reflecting on it) are two important factors. Values and character. I never cheated on my husband. I respected him and accepted all of his flaws. I never expected something from him he could not give. And I always reminded him of all of his fine qualities and virtues and when he was right and I was wrong, I admitted it and apologized for my mistakes. I find that saves marriages. People who disrespect each other (and that includes when they argue and use ugly language) toxifies the entire relationship. People should hold their tongue when they are angry at their spouse. And let some of the steam blow off without using offensive language. Trying to patch up something that is hard to forgive puts unnecessary pressure on a relationship. And also having similar values is good. I am not materialistic. I did not demand a man that made a lot of money and if he did not, I would be displeased. I never gave a damn how much money he made. I admired his qualities. Ones I held in high esteem. And apparently he held my qualities in high esteem too. I like that. When I was in the wrong I admitted it and asked for him to forgive my bad judgement. And he was gracious and always did so. And when he was in the wrong, he admitted it and I was gracious and forgave him for that too. It actually improves a marriage to do that. But if you have one of the two being prideful and arrogant and never being able to admit a mistake. Then you have deterioration. You do have to be tolerant and adapt. But you must choose which 'weaknesses' and which defects you can live with and which YOU JUST CAN'T cope with at all. And decide on that. Because perfection is not going to happen with another human being engaged in marriage on this earth.


I have to put up with them, and they have to put up with me. And if we can do that, that's the biggest problem over and done with. Doesn't sound romantic, but it is practical! I feel I have to have a deep friendship with a woman, rather than mere physical attraction.

PRgirl: Oh, SR, you got the friendship stuff beat. You are friendly and witty, and bright and interesting and all the rest. Of course I don't know you personally but just from your communication style, I can tell you would make a fine companion for some lucky lady out there. Why not seek all the above? Don't settle for less. Friendship, physical attraction, compability and similar values and goals? I say it can be done!!LOL. With a little hard work anything can be accomplished. Don't you think SR?


"I am one of the few people I know who really enjoys being married"

I think my parents did. Like I say, my dad hated his first marriage, but the worst I ever saw pass between my parents was my dad muttering when my mum was late once. They never rowed. They didn't always agree, but they got on well, and didn't raise voices at each other. The bad side of it was when my mum was widowed, I was the only thing probably stopping her wither away, she was very lost after such a close marriage. Quite an age gap between them - but guess what? It worked.

PRgirl: Don't wait to be in a loveless marriage for 40 years before making a decision. I am glad your parents cared for each other and got on well. My parents divorced when I was sixteen years old. Too complex a story to tell on this medium. But, my father always still harbored a lot of love for Mami. Lol. After many years of being divorced he asked her again to marry him. She said "no way!!" Knowing my mother I don't blame her. In my opinion, both were stubborn as mules, had strong characters and will, and both were set in having their way. Mom was tired of giving in to some things. And Papi was tired of putting up with some of her stuff. But both were people of decent values. Marriage is complex. It is. I am glad I got two dedicated parents.

Your mother had a fine son SR. I have no doubts of that. Marriages work or they don't. But life is worth the adventure. Being a bit brave in human relationships is a good thing. No matter what the final result. We are always learning from it. You certainly are a fine catch for any woman with intelligence and with discernment. I think you will do just fine in a marriage. Just fine.

PRgirl.

[Scottish_Republican]

It's always interesting to hear other people's experiences.

I don't doubt my parents made certain mistakes with me. I know what many of them are. However, I would call my home stable. When I look out there, both in reality and in fiction, it's sometimes hard to believe that any marriage works... but yes, I have seen ones that do. I don't think there was always some dirty secret etc hiding there. This does happen occasionally, and is the stuff of novels and soap operas, but is not always the case. I would have had a very different view of marriage, if I hadn't seen my parents' own.

So I think divorce is definitely necessary in some cases, but some people enter and leave marriage too easily. I guess it's all work.

[PRgirl]

Originally posted by Scottish_Republican
It's always interesting to hear other people's experiences.

I don't doubt my parents made certain mistakes with me. I know what many of them are. However, I would call my home stable. When I look out there, both in reality and in fiction, it's sometimes hard to believe that any marriage works... but yes, I have seen ones that do. I don't think there was always some dirty secret etc hiding there. This does happen occasionally, and is the stuff of novels and soap operas, but is not always the case. I would have had a very different view of marriage, if I hadn't seen my parents' own.

So I think divorce is definitely necessary in some cases, but some people enter and leave marriage too easily. I guess it's all work.

PRgirl: SR, strange I am reading your answer here, while I am singing an old bolero my father used to dance with me in my youth. You are very right, IT IS ALL HARD WORK. Anything worth having in life requires hard work and sacrifice and time and effort. Whether it is an education, a decent career, a good marriage and secure and happy offspring with excellent social skills. It requires so much. And in today's crazy world, time is precious, and time dedicated to each other is precious.

I think too many people settle for mediocrity SR. They settle for things they should never settle for. It is better a million times to be single than to be with someone who doesn't bring joy and companionship and needed support in times of trouble and despair. Because life is going to give you lumps and blows and if you have a dedicated partner to support you in crisis, you survive it. No matter how hard. When people in crisis feel absolutely alone and unloved and uncared for is when they become capable of tragic things. I think though one of the strengths of my home culture SR, is that warmth and affection and deeply human quality in which emotional closeness is done with such naturalness and ease. I think for many cultures the 'masks' and the 'reservations' makes emotional expression much more difficult. People fear being judged. We all do.

What do I like that my husband does?

Spontaneous affection (but with privacy and dignity). I love when he kisses my feet. Lol. BTW, I don't ask him to.

I love how concerned he is with making me pleased or happy. On birthdays, or Christmas or Valentine's day or any other special day. He worries about pleasing me.

How he constantly protects me in all he does. He pulls out my chair at restaurant, helps me put on my coat in the wintertime when it is cold before going out, he opens the car door for me, he calls me in the morning to make sure I get to work safe without any accidents, he asks my opinion on simple household items like what color of coffee cups I prefer before buying it. How he is so polite and courteous to my relatives, to ALL Of them. No matter the obnoxious ones. Lol. How he doesn't hesitate to help me and offer it without asking.

How much a jokester he is. Full of stories and fun. I love many aspects of his personality. He plays the piano very pretty and is out of practice. He is sensitive and expressive, yet tough and strong and swift in emergencies. He writes the loveliest poetry in Spanish. He grew up without funds, but always had sound values and many healthy activities instead of negative activities, he had sports, dance, music, theater and went to university on a scholarship. He was 'ostracized' for being from some public housing project (where the poorest of the island lived) and went to a private university with some of the richest of the island, and they were mean to him. Yet he never let that stop him from getting an education. He is the best of the best. And the easiest man to love and respect in the world. Como te amo esposo de mi alma.

SR, you have a bit of his sense of humour, and I like your style. It reminds me a little of him in a way. Lol. Andy J reminds me fondly of so many of my friends. As such a bright personality too. But you, remind me of my husband a little bit. That humour, and the one liners and short and sweet summations of a subject, but when interested you elaborate more.

Interesting guy you are. And I think you don't go for mediocrity either, thus your single status. Hmmm...I don't know what you are looking for in a woman. But I can guess what it is. And I don't blame you for not going for the big mistake. The decent ones are taken you say? What is going on in Scotland? Where are the charming bonnie lassies? snap up the SR before he is taken I say!! LOL!


Take care.

PRgirl

[Edited by PRgirl on 21st June 2005 at 05:50]

[Eleana]

lol PRgirl, you're truly giving kind words, that's exactly what men like to hear.

SR, you said something very important. You have to be friends with your partner. Something which gets often forgotten in the heat of (mostly) sexual desires.

Furthermore I feel it is important to find out what you may NOT like and whether you could live with that or not.

Consensus may not always mean total agreement but whether you can live with something the other does or says. If you cannot, your partnership is doomed.

So what does it take: time to get to know each other. Money to support each other, lack thereof is number one for quarrel in mariages. Things you can share, and things you can deal with.

Coming back to SR's statement, that's so difficult, to find a man who is willing to find out about you first.

[DrJames]

Miss Elaner: A man is like a big *****cat, with a head full of foolishness. When you the woman get him, you have to give him some training. You should not have to, that is his father and mother jobs, but sometime they themselves did not do the job. You have to show him how to love you. Tell him what you need from day one, tell him what you expected of him, and if he wants you, he will do whatsoever you said. Especially if you respect him, and he know it. If you respect him and act like he is the head of the home. Remember I say” Act like” every thing from that point on is just a piece of cake.

[PRgirl]

Originally posted by DrJames
Miss Elaner: A man is like a big *****cat, with a head full of foolishness. When you the woman get him, you have to give him some training. You should not have to, that is his father and mother jobs, but sometime they themselves did not do the job. You have to show him how to love you. Tell him what you need from day one, tell him what you expected of him, and if he wants you, he will do whatsoever you said. Especially if you respect him, and he know it. If you respect him and act like he is the head of the home. Remember I say” Act like” every thing from that point on is just a piece of cake.

PRgirl: I got to practice some dance steps, but before I do, I do think Dr. James is partially right and partially wrong. I disagree with his "You have to show him how to love you". No, you don't. If you have to show a man with fiancee potential how to love you, you got the wrong guy. He should love you without 'instructions' on how to do it. My theory on that is 'Is this person loving and full of love or are they unloving and not expressive of love in general?'. If you don't know the answer to that. Don't marry them. Love should be present not just for you, but for their family, their people, their surroundings, and friends, and many things. They should love naturally and without 'education' of 'love' as if they can teach something like that. You can't teach love. You feel it or you don't.

Now on the part of let the men think they run the show. Hmm, in general good advice. But if the man respects the woman he has a way of conceding that is interesting. Lol. But in general I think men are SO SENSITIVE to what women say to them. They just react differently to what a woman (especially a woman they have some romantic or sexual interest in) says as opposed to some male buddy or fellow friend of the same sex (unless they are gay, that is another ball of wax). What some man says to them they expect some kind of competition or ribbing or teasing and banter and so on. But what some pretty girl they like and she wounds him....nope, they are the most sensitive to that...and get all freaky about it. Best to always let them know how much they are appreciated. And build up their self image and so on. Men need the kudos from the wife or girlfriend. It goes a long way. Women, I think in general would believe what another woman friend says to them in honest talk than what a male might say. We always have our suspicions the men are saying something to get something. You know, love, sex, food or some really important thing for them to have. HAHA. It sounds bad but it is true.

[DrJames]

---"you have to give him some training. You should not have to, that is his father and mother jobs,---"

PrGirl I bet you came from Jacom?