Love Letters...............

[Adfundum]

I don't mind your rambling and I like your image of life as a string of beads. My thread isn't full yet, but I'm looking forward to put some more colourful beads on. Life consists of ups and downs, things you remember and things you just don't. I remember the happy moments most, but mostly it's just the little things I remember, things that didn't really matter that much. Like your 2spooner.

Sometimes it happens that all of a sudden, when I'm in the middle of something, a flash crosses my mind. It could be a smell I recognize, a feeling I have, a face I see or just a stupid trivial object that reminds me of something. But when that happens, it's like I get to know more about me, about my past. Especially when I remember something I haven't thought about for a while, or have never even thought I'd remembered. That makes it even more unique. Childhood and other memories are so much fun, even though they're not that far in the past.

It could be that I see a white curly head and think of my grandmother. I might smell the sea and think of our holidays in the south of France, or the one month we spent in Spain when I was six. It is great to be alive and enjoy all these sensations. A warm summer rain, a lightning in a stormy sky, the thunder of hooves, the call of an eagle or the cooing of doves, a good conversation under a starlit sky or talking to an old friend and wishing him/her well.

As sad as I can be at times, I can also be very happy and content and at peace with myself. I'm like this large pendulum that goes from one extreme to the other. And no, I'm not manic-depressive. (haha) It's just that life really gives me one hell of a ride. And I enjoy it, even when I sometimes want to say: Stop the world, I want to get off!

Anyway, how can you enjoy the good moments in life if you haven't experiences any bad ones?

And for love, well, that's just another bead I'll have to try and find. I always say I can live without, but, who knows for sure if you haven't really really loved before?

[HollyElise]

I want to tell you just a little about my friend Dave. Dave lived the kind of life you are describing... and i so admired him for it. And Dave lived a very remarkable life!!! Among other things, as a soldier during WWII he was captured and sent to Stalag 17. He saw many horrible things there, and did many remarkable things. But what amazed me when i met him... he was in his 80's then... was that despite everything he had experienced and seen in his life, he would still feel everything like it was new! He wasn't afraid to feel... both the ups and the downs! I think many people when they have lived through horrors they close off or get hard... not Dave. Dave for instance, especially loved children, and it didn't matter to him that what concerns a child may be trivial in comparison to life and death issues in a prison camp, or current politics which he took very seriously. To him, what was important to a child was just as important as anything else... even if it was whether or not to have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with lunch. Dave knew how to live!...how to be in the moment!.......and he knew how to love, too! He adored his wife of 50 years, his family, his friends, his animals. And if i can live my life with one tenth the courage and fullness with which he lived, then i will consider my life a great success.

Please tell me more about your grandmother... or your month in spain or holidays in the south of France.
I look forward to your letters! They brighten my day!

[Adfundum]

Are you serious? That my ‘letters’ brighten your day? Though it surprises me, I’m really flattered : ) I admire your friend too, I think I’d like him. But to compare me to him is too great an honour I think. I always complain about my life, forgetting that there’re people out there who have a much tougher life. Sometimes I make fun of myself when I’m preoccupied with things that actually don’t matter that much in real life. But you know, people can be very narrow-minded. I try to avoid it and try to get a better understanding of the world in which I’m living. I try to be flexible too, but it’s difficult because I don’t like change. And sometimes I think too much, I look at things in different angles, but I loose sight of the real issue. Enough nonsense for now : )

I’ll tell you something about my grandmother, since you’ve asked me to. I don’t remember that much, she died when I was about 9. What I remember most is her chubby cheeks, friendly eyes and white, curly hair. When I see someone with the same features, I always think it’s her I see. I don’t know whether we talked much, but I presume it was the usual friendly, superficial adult-child-talk. Now I wish I could have really talked to her. When she was still there, I was too young for real conversation, and when I was old enough, she wasn’t capable of a sensible conversation anymore: in the end, she suffered from Alzheimer. I think it must have been hard for her. I felt sorry for her, because every time she had a ‘clear moment’, she realised what was happening and cried. Eventually she died in her sleep when she was 73. My grandfather still lives, he’s 90 now. But the last couple of years his health is deteriorating, he’s getting weaker. I don’t feel the need to talk to him much, it feels different. He was in the war too, but he never mentions it. I think he was a gunner. They also had to lodge some German soldiers during the war, but these were very disciplined and friendly.

As for the holidays in France, there were a couple of them. When I was 4, we visited some distant relatives of my father and stayed for 2 weeks I think. It was real fun because there was a lake nearby, and I got a present for my birthday: a necklace of colourful shells (I still have it). I remember my brother falling from the high bed in the middle of the night. When I was six we went to Spain, also by car. We had this little house of our own, a few minutes from the seaside. We took our cat with us, luckily she stayed with us, because I would never have forgiven my parents if my cat were lost : ) My youngest brother and I had to go to the baker’s shop one morning, but we forget what we had to say to order 2 loafs and had to come back, haha. Dos pan per favor or something like that. We also went back to France and followed the route du soleil to the south. Our last visit, 4/5? years ago wasn’t a great success, we had a car accident on our way home. But on the whole, I loved the holidays. I still want to visit Scotland and England, I think I would even like it more than France or Spain..

And know I realize I have been writing way too much, sorry, so I’ll end here (you might think I’m living in the past instead of right now.)

[Adfundum]

[i]Once upon a time, there was this girl I knew. She had some nice friends of which one she particularly liked. He brightened her day, he made her laugh, and she felt at ease with him, no need for a masquerade. She grew very fond of him and looked forward to seeing him every day.
I believe now that she made herself fall in love, because now she thinks very differently about that past year.
She thought of how they would fit together perfectly, how they complemented each other. How they would live together happily ever after. But she knew he didn't feel the same way, so she never said a word. Months passed, the girl's thoughts were always focused on the same thing.
Or was she in love with the fact that she finally found herself someone to love? How could she actually know? She had never loved before. Love is said to be blind, and I believe the same. Had she known what true love is, it wouldn't have withered in a few months.
The girl suffered from this unrequited love, and she wrote her thoughts down on paper. I've read it all, and thought it beautiful. When spring and summer came, even warmer feelings aroused. The girl was like a rose, brought to blossom by the first sunlight in her life. She gave subtle hints, but in vain, so she thought. But the boy wasn't stupid, he found out what she felt for him. So he started to look at the girl in a different way.
Was that a good thing to happen, I don't know. I like to say it wasn't.
The boy later said he fell in love too, and he asked to girl to be his girlfriend. Happiness seemed all around. But after some time, the girl didn't feel the same anymore. The spark had gone, she felt like she was dozing off. She wasn't passionate anymore, but had she ever been before? She started doubting herself; she thought her mind had betrayed her. That it wasn't at all what she wanted, or what she thought love to be. She started to feel guilty; she dared not look the boy straight in the eyes anymore.
Finally, after a long time, she had the courage to tell the boy things weren't as they should be. She hated herself for hurting him, it wasn't the boy’s fault. He couldn't help being who he was, that he was actually too different in the end. He couldn’t help either that the girl fancied a prince that she would never meet, a fairytale figure, sprang from her imagination. She wanted to be adored, to be wild and yet controlled, not to lead a passive life, but to be playful as a foal. She would willingly submit to her real master, but he had to win her. So now she vainly hopes for her prince to come along.
But I think she'll probably has to wait forever: fairytales don't happen anymore. And what has she, plain girls as she is, to offer a prince?

[HollyElise]

no no! You DON'T write too much and your letters DO brighten my day! I would not have said it if it were not so.

I have been trying to get back here the last couple days to read your letters... i've had a hard couple of days and i'm very sad tonight and cried easily when i read your story. At first i thought the girl was me!!!!..... though not everything fits it still chokes me up,... and i hope the boy was not you as it is a sad tale.

i don't know what to say. Not tonight. I have my sad moments too. I have lived through much.

Tell me more about the girl and the boy... how the story might have a happy ending... either for them together or apart. tell me what they need to do.

[Adfundum]

Sorry to hear you’re sad. I’ll try to give you a happy ending today. And of course it was quite obvious that the little ‘story’ was about me, it’s always easier to write about yourself in the third person. I’m surprised though that you didn’t see I was the girl and not the boy. And I think it was sad for both, not just for the boy ...

A happy ending, hmmm… I’m not very good at it. It’s more difficult than it seems : ) especially when it’s about things that are still to come. I think I’ll write an imaginative ending instead.

[i]Some months passed, the girl was still very sad. After the break, she didn’t see the boy anymore; she regretted it, because he had always been a good friend to her. But to be honest, she thought it easier not to see him anymore. She also tried to avoid his friends when she accidentally met them. It was not that she herself didn’t want to talk to them, it’s just that she thought they would not want to see her, that they would blame her for hurting their mutual friend. So the girl was on her own now. Freed of worries, but new ones came instead. She thought she wasn’t fit for loving, so she gave up hope. She never really talked to anyone about it, she still blamed herself for what has happened.

One night she was still up, seated in an armchair in front of the fireplace. She was reading a book as she moved to and fro with her chair. The book must have been wonderful, because her eyes could hardly follow the pace of her reading and she forgot to be sad. The girl was so preoccupied that she didn’t even notice the cat leaping on her lap and settling itself. She read of times past and imagined herself being the protagonist and experiencing all kinds of wonderful things.

Then all of a sudden, the mantelpiece was gone and the fireplace too. Instead, she found herself on the edge of a wood, the cat still by her side. The girl wasn’t scared, nor was she upset. Why should she? After all, she knew this place: she had been here over and over again when she invented it. She knew every tree, every leaf, every winding path in the woods and every stone in the brook nearby. Time didn’t pass here, flowers didn’t wither and neither did the leaves turn yellow or drop. This place breathed a friendly atmosphere; a familiar warmth enclosed the girl’s heart.

Something felt different though, she sensed another being. She started searching her environment. She turned over every stone and looked behind every tree or bush. She followed the brook to where it expanded into a mighty flow. There, in the middle of the now rushing water, she discerned some movement. It was a deer that had probably fallen from the bank into the stream. It’s eyes were turning and the ears lay flat in it’s neck as it tried to keep afloat. It’s peaceful majesty was turned into a terrible despair. ‘How can I save it’, the girl thought, ‘I’m not strong enough’. But then she realised it was her world and she could do or be anything she wanted. So she imagined herself being a dam and holding the water. The next moment, she was in the water, her body somehow strangely stretched from shore to shore, stopping the flow. The deer managed to reach higher grounds and shook its mighty body to get rid of the water. The girl too got out of the water somehow and was standing on the other shore.

The deer looked at her for a brief instant, its antlers fiercely in the air again. The girl thought she heard a voice. ‘Thank you for saving me’, it said. ‘In return, I grant you one wish for saving me, the king of the forest.’ The girl thought hard before she decided, but her mind came to a solution quickly. ‘I want to stay here’, she asked, ‘never to return again. I’m happy where I am.’ But the deer answered: ‘Alas, that’s the only thing I cannot grant you. Choose something else.’ The girl was sad, she desperately wanted to stay, to be happy for ever more. The deer understood why she wanted this and only this, so it said: ‘I’m not saying, you can never come again, but to stay here, would mean the end of this place and of me and my kin. It’s you and your world that keeps us alive. If you were to stay here forever, who would be left to invent us?’ The girl considered these wise words and gave in. ‘Then’, she said, ‘I wish for a companion every time I visit this world. Someone to talk to, to have fun with, to understand me, ...’ ‘Thus it shall be’, the royal deer answered. ‘Every time you want to escape your world, you’ll find someone here to look after you. I promise. But now it’s time for you to leave, too long a stay might change you too much. I wish you farewell’. Then the deer took one big leap and vanished in the woods.

The girl opened her eyes. Had she fallen asleep? She couldn’t tell. She reached down with her arm to pick up the book that must have fallen. The cat was still on her lap. When she caressed it, she felt it’s tail was wet. She remembered now ... and smiled. Tomorrow, she would sit there again and read and sleep ... and meet ... you!

[Adfundum]

High walls surround me when I enter the cave. Water is running down the sides and my feet are getting wet, splashing through shallow pools. It’s not completely dark; light accompanies me as I move further from the entrance. The ground is covered with soft moss which flourishes in this humid environment. My footsteps hardly make a sound as I proceed.
Small fragments of stone drop when I move my hands along the walls. It is getting darker, I have to grope around. I follow the scent of fresh air rushing past me. Then I hear a voice, it whispers my name. MY name. It sounds so familiar and yet so desperate. I can’t help myself when I answer ‘I’m coming’. I hurry on, my pace has quickened. The tunnel gets narrower and narrower but I manage to get through. Then the tunnel takes a sharp turn and after squeezing through an even narrower opening, I find myself in a large cavern. The depressed feeling of the narrow tunnel has left me. Though I cannot see the ceiling, or the surrounding walls, I sense this place must be huge. I’m impressed and in awe. On my way I pass high columns which loom in the dark. I imagine it’s a large and sacred cathedral, forgotten by mankind. A monument to nature.
I want to know who spoke to me, who reached out to me. Whether it has anything to do with this wonderful place. I can’t contain my feelings anymore.
‘HELLO’, I yell.
‘HELLO ... Hello ... hello’ is my monotonous answer.
‘Are you there?’
'You there ... there ...'
It's just an echo, I don’t hear the voice anymore, the kind whispering of my name. I AM alone today. Let me hear your voice again, let us find our way out of here, let us find the light together. If you want, I’ll be your guide. But I hope you know an easier path.