The story of chinese gay...

[mugu]

A TRUE STORY

Being openly gay Asian from Mainland China, I have so much to say about this world because of the pain I was through. I am bad writer and I hate writing, but since my page was the first personal page from Mainland China, I thought it was my responsibility to carry the flag for the truth and freedom. My story is with love, faith, respect, understanding, joy and pain. In the last five years, I spent so much time thinking about the life. I hope the lessons I learned will benefit not just myself but also other gay Asian. I am very proud the courage I had for coming out and gay life. I am very proud of being gay Chinese and want to tell this world there is nothing wrong with being gay. That's the way it is. No matter what you are going to do, one thing for sure if you want to stay in the closet totally, you would have psycho problem. Being honest to your life is the only way to save you.

Many gay Asian or Chinese in the process of learning who they are, coming out, or searching for love. Most people are afraid of themselves and the reality. Plus the gay community sometimes had bad images, most gay Asian are still in the closet and they don't know what to do. They need positive role models. There are only few spots discussing Asian gay life and not any personal life story. I urge more gay Asian to tell the life story to this world and let others to be in touch with it. From our lessons they will learn to move on their own lives.

Loving the life and yourself is very important to everyone. Do you have self-esteem and self-respect? Be the way who you are and be proud of being Asian will make you stronger. Searching for sex will let you down, looking for love will give you more than expected. Don't be too late to think about it. Or you will have an empty world when you get old. Don't be afraid of any try. You will learn from your lessons. Never stop growing up.

The first time I heard about the word "gay" was in China when I was 24. And I came out to myself right away; even I had gay spirit for a long time. Two years later, I came here for study (USA). After learning who I am and what gay life is, finally came out to this world, my family and gay community on the coming out day 1994. But it was horrible and destroyed my confidence. So it took almost another year to come out again, to all my friends and roommates. This time I won so much respect and didn't lose any friend. Two months later, I got the first date and found my real lover right away. I got happiness and pain from that. The relationship last almost one year and I said goodbye to him with good memory. The most important part of relationship is that I learned so much from it. I learned how to love myself being a human and gay Asian. After coming back, I swore to help my fellow Asian, gay Chinese coming out and moving on their lives with what I learn.

Click on the links in the left to see detail, very very long. Or click here to start now.

--Kurt


Thanks

Thank all my friends for the support to make this page come true, especially thank:


My father and mother, I feel so sorry to let you get through so much pressure and pain just because you have gay son. You didn't deserve it.
My dear sister, you gave me the chance to come to this free country to have brand new life. You didn't agree with be about being gay but didn't say much and you finally change your attitude. When I was in the hardest time in the relationship, you offer me the unselfish and critical support.
Mr. S. you have been arrested for gay sex in China. Your honesty made me brave enough to come out to myself.
Lashy, my sweetie, you are the first one in my life who accept me the way who I was and later help me move on my life. You share the tears and joy with me.
Bob, you used to be against gay. I changed you and you changed me. I learned how to love not hate people, how to forgive people from you. You are so kind and great.
Ed, my first lover, you let me taste the love. You let me learn how to be a man with manner and learn a lot of things about the crazy world. The most important thing I learned is loving myself. Thank for for the confidence you gave to me for my first try in my life. I wish you the best.
Wei, my friend, who was the first gay Asian I contact much with and you comfort me when I had very hard time in 1996 summer. Your life is even tougher than mine. Wish you get over the pain from the childhood.
Dr. Johnson, you like and respect Asian much. You are great father for your four frost Asian sons. You offered me information about gay Chinese. You are so friendly.
Eric, GAPA boards member. You are so wonderful, you gave me the confidence for this page and you offered me unselfish help and information. You and your lover Arthur are the best Asian gay couple I ever heard. Wish the love last forever.
GAPA all board members. You have one of the best home page and gay Asian group in this world. You gave me the hope for gay Asians. I want to join your meeting someday.
ML. You are from China. I'm happy for you to be honest dealing your life.
Joseph. You are so gifted, young but mature. Never easy for you to do everything you did. I am so proud of your honesty and bravery. You made me determine to finish this page. I love you so so much.

[mugu]

1. My Childhood

There was no much peace in my family. I was the only kid stayed with my parents, who quarreled with each other almost everyday. I wished they got divorce which was not common at that time. My grandpa was deaf because one Japanese slap hardly on his face around the W.W.II, and my dad never like to talk too much and seldom smiled to me. My mom had bad temper. I just hate this traditional family. There were some joy but there was more pain that I never easily forget. No respect, no understanding between each other. I kept on the top in the class with weak health and lots of pressure. Even I was thinking about killing myself between 9 and 12.

There were more problems when I grew up in high school. Nobody teach me how to be a man and of course, there was no good communication at all. I didn't like my friends to go to my home since my dad was too serious to them. I felt so weak and I did have a big brother in my class who treat me with care and respect.

It was interesting to see, I did have sex with one of my male classmate (just JO) and I even slept with him sometimes for two years. We didn't even kiss or hug, and we didn't love each other. We were together just because we were lonely. And maybe he is bi or straight. Physically, I was not attractive to girls. But I start to dislike girls who thought they were great and never paid attention to me which I need, just because I looked too young and not strong man? In fact, maybe other didn't get this attention too since my female classmates just played with girls.

I was a little feminine and played with girls when I was around 8. And my neighbor called me sissy which was not common at that time. I hate this so much and hate myself too. 20 years later, my parents told me they knew it at that time but they didn't pay attention to it. And my mom accused the situation caused by that I was brought up by grandma without any male in that family. Anyway, I still wanted to be a man and stop playing with girls after 11.

I was not interested to male much. But one boy who was a little femme with good looking really attracted me. I thought he was weak and sweet and I was just similar to him even I didn't know the reason. It tells something that I would be different. In fact, some other boys like him too. He was the shining star. I am very sure he would be gay. This story prove that something inside of us is different from straight naturally and lots people could be in between.

My dad was typical Shanghainese and I lived in Hunan. The culture clash made me so rebellious since I wanted so badly to get respect from friends. We never got along with each other ever since.

I was just a kid. Didn't grow up yet, physically and mentally and didn't know who I am and what I want.

(to be continued)

[mugu]

2. College Years

I went to one of the best schools in China, Tsinghua University in Beijing. I wanted computer science to be my major but the school chose me to be a civil engineer. That waste me ten years. Since I never felt like the major much, plus I did not do well in the first semester even though I did much better after. I started to lose my confidence about life. After one year of depression, I finally began to grow up and want to gain the confidence of my career and be a man. It's never easy for me to do that. It took ten years' work to get through it. I was so sensitive then and the confidence was just up and down. I was almost the youngest, slimmest and the latest grow-up in the class. People treat me like a little brother. But I want to be a man, good responsible man with physical strong body all the time, not woman. When I came back home in my last college year, I realized that I finally got the process done. I felt so good. Still I am not the very strong man physically. But I did my best to get here. I kept doing all kind of exercise in the last ten years and will continue doing that. I changed my body dramatically. I think every Asian would be better than me physically. Hard work-out made me stronger not just physically, but also mentally. When I was in the dark for the next 8 years, I was so depressed, even try to kill myself. Only work-out let me get rid of some depression.

Being gay in the next ten years is the period that I know how to love myself, how to offer love to others, how to be honest about who I am and how to handle the crisis. One word, it is the process to be mentally strong man. Tough life only made me stronger.

There was strong culture conflict between the south and the north. My dad educated me with Shanghai value and I was always rebellious. I didn't want to be the kind of person who had been looked down on, so I tried so hard to change me and finally turn out to be the most respected person in the class. When I was a junior, I almost end up my relationship with my father. He still wanted to control my life but one day I finally I told him my dream was not his dream and I wanted to do things for myself. He gave up. But five years later when I came out, he wanted me to be straight, I threaten him the same thing. I don't want to live in other's shoes and I just want to be myself.

After I was freshman, I started to show my distinct personality. Honest, warm hearted, fun-loving, boyish and straight mind. People respect me, love me, trust me even without much understanding. Every male classmate liked to have fun(not sex) with me. Every time I went to the apt. , there was always laugh and joke there. I even liked to made straight sex jokes to make people laugh.

I started to be attracted to man physically and spiritually. Physical part made me feel so guilty that it stopped me going to bathhouse for shower. This guilty feeling also stopped me crushing on my friends. I show my respect to them all the time and never let any male to touch my body even some male did want to. Spiritual part is just because I got care and respect from the male friends which I miss from my family. And I learned how to be a good human being and be a man from some of them. They are kind of my role models. I love them from my heart most spiritually and I never bother them sexually. They were the brothers I was dreaming for. In fact, I brought the joy, the respect, kindness to them. They loved me and there were no reasons for them to hate me, a most lovely boy they have seen in their life.

When some of the very cute guys say this following words to me, I was stun. " Kerl (sound like lovely person in Chinese), If you were girl, I would dump my girlfriend and marry with you." That was a big point in my life. I need a girl at that time because it was fashion but I had never got and I had never heard about the gay word until 24 years old . I was thinking a lots about these words. Why man have to stay with woman for the life? I hate the girls because they could get special attention just because of their *****? I am more lovely, more sweet, more caring , more fun-making than all the girls but they still get special things? I had these questions with me until I came out. Anyway, all my classmates knew I was so different and so exposed myself to this world. I got survive from the possible hatred because of the respect, true love between each other. We are just brothers and sisters.

One very import thing happen to me during that time is that I was falling love with someone who love me too. This love is basically not sexually. We were just looked like twin and he was just like the brother that I was dreaming about who can make me stronger. We had very good innocent time in both our life. We share so much with the same hobby and had so much fun. Every time I saw his face, I just wish I could be with him for the rest of my life. Actually, he is the one of the most wonderful human being I ever saw.

Dramatically, I distant him because I was thinking that we were determined to say goodbye after graduation and I didn't think I could stand the goodbye. When I made the decision, I went all the way to the volleyball field one night where we play volleyball almost everyday and cried to the heaven. That night I swept most of the tears in the college. That was the only one regret in my life. The lover had been separated just because of that there was no any gay concept and gay freedom at that time. He right now is living in Beijing with wife and son, but not very happy and kind of bored as I know.

When the last time we said goodbye 7 years ago, he wrote this for me : we don't need to get to know each other before the first time we saw each other, just because we knew each other before that; we will never have goodbye, just because you are always on my heart; How big the world is,and I am not eager for the power and money; It is hard to find good gentleman you like to share the time with love and understanding , why you didn't desire for it. How could I answer this. I don't know if he is gay or not. One thing for sure, we would make each other happy and strong. Life would be wonderful for us. This is the crazy world. A lot people spend the life with someone they don't like at all. After coming out, I sometimes told American co-worker. This is a cruel world. If you want someone who make you comfortable, it doesn't matter who he is or she is. I agree that gay may be choice for some people since everyone has gay part. Choosing being gay depends on how gay you are and how much courage you had. When I love someone, this is not a choice.

Today, there is no chance I can want my first love come back. It was the problem of the society. Anyway, I want to say something the first time in the public that I was not dare to say in the college: Y.Y. I love you with whole my heart and soul and I wish you the best for the rest of your life.

(to be continued)

[mugu]

3. Life in Chinese Society

After college, I went to work in Shanghai, the city where you could find the most number of openly gays in China.

At that time I start to think why I was so different but had no idea about my life, just wish one lady coming to my life even I was dreaming of a man. One day, I visit my auntie wearing one pair shoes which was popular in the north. She said, how can you were this pair shoes since the gays like to wear them beside one popular billboard for cruising? And for sure she didn't like gays. My god, gays, it hit me finally, I realized that I was one of them right away. In the next one year, I thought about being gay and why I was gay for many times, I hate myself and thought gay was psycho illness. I lost confidence about my life and thought gay must be someone who were weak or had grew -up problem or someone who couldn't find girlfriends. But I had one visible gay in the neighbor who was typical queen. He like to design a lot stuff for himself, sometimes just like a girl. But he is very strong man physically who went to swimming every summer. So I thought gay must be someone act like girls. He tried to date with several girls but all broke up in very very short time. How miserable for him and for me those days too. I had no idea about my future and life was so sucked. Maybe gays could changed to be straight.

One day, one news stun whole one-thousand-people company and changes me forever, one of my co-worker have been arrested for having gay sex. No one believe this since he was married man and was just going to get a baby. Plus he is good man and he was an athletic on swimming, a very strong man. It change me all the way thinking about the gay. WE ARE NOT SICK, WE ARE NOT WOMAN, NOBODY CAN CHANGE US THE WAY WHO WE ARE, NO MATTER IT IS BORN WITH OR NOT, WE ARE HAPPY WITH MAN BUT NOT WOMAN. The greatest thing from that, is the courage I got from that man make me come out to myself : I AM 100% PERCENT QUEER AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE THE WAY WHO I AM AND I CAN DIE FOR MY FAITH.

This accident ruin that gentle man's life all the way even he had been released. In the closed community, misunderstanding and hatred can lead people suicide. I realize I couldn't have gay life in that country and I need to get out of there. It was never that easy. I shout to the heaven.' help me , help me, to get out of this gay hell. I was never that desiring for freedom. When in 1989 with student movement , I was there, I risk my life several nights staying whole night in the Tiananmen Square. It was so scary but made me stronger. I was not the leader and not against the government. but I just show my support for the student fellow, for the freedom, for the individual right. But I didn't realized that was very special for me because I didn't know who gays were. Our motherland needs basic gay right. Gay problem is not the one of the government but some people's. In the country where there is so much misunderstanding between each other, gay was the perfect target to hate for some person because they are not happy with their lives.

For the second time in my life, I want to kill myself if I failed leaving that country, I had promised that to myself. No any joy, no any promise, just dark nights. Even I found out my roommate could be gay even he was with one girl. He is strongest plus good-looking Asian I saw in my life. But he was very sensitive, some femme but try to hide it, his way using the fingers proved a lot to me, and he like Tom Cruse whose post was the only one in his bedroom. Later, another guy who are so gentleman and sweet with the best shape I ever seen, also strong man , he is gay too. And he was falling love with me. In fact, the first year there, I didn't guess he was gay since he was so man. He was always smiling to me, paid a lot attention to me. I thought he was just being nice. He was absent for more than one year because of work. When he came back , he smile more to me and I had just come out to myself. We realized we loved each other, physically and mentally even we didn't have much serious talk. We almost touched each other, then I got the visa to USA. This is the only chance for me, the best chance to get rid of hell. He was the last friend I seen before leaving there when he sent me to the bus station. I didn't say much and didn't know what to say at that time. He is little bit different from the first one who spend so much time with me.

But today I want to say in the public the first time' I am sorry for leaving. Thank you so much for the love you gave to me and I love you !!!

If gay had more freedom in china, I would already ask him to marry with me. God, you gave me two perfect chance but I had no way to catch them. What would I say? One more chance?

(to be continued)

[mugu]

4. Before Coming-out

After getting here, since I had no financial support from the school and it is so hard to find job and support in my area, first I had found way to get survive. I can get money from my sister but I always know depending on our own is so important for us being the way who we are. Otherwise we have to shut up. It was time around amendment 2. First I didn't understand the real meaning about it. There was one post send to my apt. for the A. 2. They said was right: nobody need special right. I didn't pay attention to that until one day I saw one girl on the bus had a bag saying 'NO 2'. I will never forget her, she was kind of depressed. I didn't know this was another turn point in my life. The next several day, we were defeated. I first time realized how bad the A.M.2 was. I will remember the picture with several lesbians in Denver watching the results and comforting each other with tears. In the next 18 months, I start the journey to learn myself , gay life and gay rights. In the first several months, I was still have not any confidence, even less than in China because of the AIDS. It scared me to dearth. And I thought it was gay disease even by virus. The first time. I saw openly gay person in the TV show were not very healthy, more femme than gay Chinese, kind of old. So my image about the gays back to sick, old woman. How would it be true?

But one event change my life in the right direction, I taped one whole event of March Washington 1993. The first time I found so many cute gay and lesbians there, they are young and healthy. They are just the people, normal people. The more exciting thing is that so many famous straight supporters there. Donahue, Sheperd, Lupaul (I didn't know she was he until two months later), congressman, mayor, even Clinton's representative. Could it be true? I watch it for many and many times. Then I determined I want to be not just gay, but also happy and healthy one.

After that, I start to read gay books, magazines and watch the talk-shows. As you know, most of the talk show hosts support us, most of the media have sympathy on us. It really gave me the confidence I need to make the next move and they let me know a lots about gay real life. There were good things and bad things. Good things are hope and people are more understanding and tolerance about the gay lifestyle. Bad things are health and some male gays are promoting sex. Everyone like to have sex. But we are human being with mind and soul , not animals. If you like to sleep around, you will get much more chance to get AIDS and mentally AIDS too. When we are talking about gay problems, someone always accused the straight. AIDS kill many and many elite gays. And most of the case, were not transmitted by straight. Do you ever think how bad images we have for the society that stop a lots people support us or coming out. No doubt, lots people try to change that with so much effort. But someone did something to reverse it. Do you ever think how much abuse among the gay people? Why relationship last so short? How many young people had been destroy by old generation before they are not strong enough to make their own decision? From my experience I had one chance to do work for straight and gay people. My felling is there are extremely good gays there but there are some bad gays who are so picky just like straight *****es. When straight people get upset, they would say' **** you queer' in stead of '**** you Joe'. Just like 1989 student movement failure, the problem was from the people themselves. Do you know at that time the Shanghai worker were happy to stop the student since the government gave money for that? This movement was determined to be defeated because it happen in the country which didn't know much freedom and democracy yet and at least not ready yet?

Anyway, after one year's work, I set up coming out at coming out day 1994. I plan to come out to gay community and my family first. I didn't mention one hard thing for me coming out, it was my ex roommate Jim. He was ok at the first talk but after signing one year lease, I realized I made the biggest mistake in my life. You can call him idiot and he had alcoholic problem big time. The worst thing is he hate the gays. He want to beat up every queer he met. I have no choice to hide my secret. It stop my coming out all the way. I was totally out just two months after moving out of the old apt. He said several times that he thought lesbians were ok and he would like to watch their x-rated video. He told me he had been fired once being a waiter because two other waiter were jealous about his tips and they had said something to the manager and he guess these two co-worker were gays. But one of my personality is that I had my dignity. So we have had several argument about gay which he start it. I told him that gay was all right and I had good gay gentlemen and friends in China. Don't use the bible to repress others. He try to find the words in bible about gay but never found it. There was so much danger there and I was so afraid. Once he pushed me backward but I could do nothing to him since I was foreign gay student. So much fear and weakness inside me.

(to be continued)

[mugu]

5. First Coming-out

Around Oct 11.1994, I wrote two letters to my parents, one to dad who was visiting San Jose, one to my mom in China. I still chose which community to come out, the local one or the student one. I was wandering outside their doors for several time. I had no idea and confidence about everything. Finally I came into the SOGLB office. Tamera is the first person in this world hearing I AM GAY (I was trembling when I said that). I told her I need help, she was nice but she told me she was new-comer to the school so she suggest me to the general meeting of the group. I went to their meetings for three times but each time almost nobody like to talk with me. I have just been ignorant for all the time when I need help desperately. I felt so upset. Why I was Asian gay?

Between the first meeting and second meeting, my dad gave me a call. Beg me not going to the meeting and being gay. In my letter, I clearly said I want to give my family chance to understand me and both us have to learn a lot of things ever since even with at least five-year struggling. I want him know the truth because I treat him as my friends and give him the trust. I know it is hard to understand it but we can start understanding. trusting me. And this is the only way I can go for my life since I don't want to be a liar. They hold this last chance but they totally lost it. First they thought I was mentally ill (later told me), second they thought I went the meeting which was a group sex place. My god, I knew the problem with them. My parents didn't understand and trust each other for thirty years. They did the exact the same thing to me, I don't know how much damage they caused in my childhood.. I didn't cry during that period but I lost all my trust and confidence about my dad. He want to change me all the way. Sometime he was so selfish because of his fame and his dream would never come true. He always let me do the things I don't like to do even he put a lots of his time on me. Just because he want me to realize his dream. Sometimes, the words were so much hateful (to his son). He even cursed all gays got AIDS to die. The last talk I was with him, he told he would not understand me and accept me for his rest life. And I told him if he said he was not born this way, reason was simple because of my parents. That's so true. A lots friends pointed out to me who knew my story in the childhood that my parents were responsible for something. I try to forgive them but they don't respect me so I just told him how bad the family was when I was kid and the possible reason for me being gay was from himself. He was crying.

I don't want to deny the things happening when I was kid could be the not-born-with reason. But I am very sure, I can't reverse the way who I was. Only being gay makes me happy.

That's another dark time in my life. This outing almost destroy my confidence about being gay. I felt very upset about my family also about the gay community. Why they said was perfect, to help people out, so on. Maybe they only help some good-looking white people to be out who they can date with. A lot things happen later, made me upset about the white gay community. They are not friendly to all the gay at all, not to minority, not to old, not to woman, not to disable, not to normal looking people. How can we get stronger that way. I realized how hard for a Asian being gay. WE NEED BE ON OUR OWN. BY OURSELVES. It was very important for me to think about organizing gay Asians in the next two years. So my gay fellow, if you are gay Asian, don't expect many people will help you from the gay community side. If you had no gay Asian to help you, you have to help yourself and I urge Asian out gay to help gay in the closet through the net for the people who had no Asian community nearby.

(to be continued)

[mugu]

6. Second Coming-out

After coming out to family, I have no confidence to do anything but getting depressed. I didn't speak to my family for the next 7 months. I hate my roommate who was potential big trouble for me if I continue doing out. This is the darkest time in my life, there is no one I can trust at that time just wait the last lease day to be out of this another hell. I managed the second come-back but I didn't trust the community. I have several friends in the work place. I try to find someone among them to help me out since I knew half American are gay friendly. Lashy was perfect one. First one time when she was arguing about the gay, she was for us. So I asked her more questions about the gay and pretend I had close friends who was gay in china. She support us because one of her close relative was gay with AIDS that they grew up together and there are no reasons for other 20 people in the big family in Las Vegas except his real sister to hate him. Around May, 1995, I tried to find new apt. I got two choice. I have interview with Greg. I didn't dare say I was gay but it was very important issue for me. I asked him two question related to it. One is 'do you support abortion right' and 'how do you respect different person from you at least I am Asian' He gave me wonderful answers. So we made the deal (I am very good roommate for them too).

But I got more problems to move out of the old apt. Since Jim want someone move in my bedroom without the office agreement. It was illegal for him and I have to wait for new apt. ready. So I have to wait for the arrangement by the apt. manager. Jim got mad since the manager asked Jim do every thing legally. Jim accused me telling the truth just because he want to be selfish with me. Otherwise I had no place to live. He want to beat me up and puss me again but since his finger was wounded (fight?) already so I got lucky. Then I told the manager to solve this very dangerous situation and at the same time, Jim had found out I was gay, asking me "how long have you been a little fag". I didn't answer him since he was just an *******. But this question was ridiculous. If I was born gay, I have been gay for all my life and otherwise I didn't sleep with anyone for the last ten years. So I am not gay and not straight. The lucky thing is that the manager did a huge favor for me move to the new place at the next day. That night when I back to the old apt. he even call the cops about the noise I made when I wash the plates at one o'clock. Finally the night mare was over. And four months later, I met Jim by coincidence. He said I was very good roommate and apologized to me about the whole things. And I show my engage ring from my next lover and told him "I'm gay and found a lover".

New Apartment lead a brand new life. I have a party (only one in the last four years) for this. I manage come-out all the way.

First I came out to Lashy. She didn't make me disappointed. She was the first person who shows great respect and understands the way who I am and help me move on my life quickly. Lashy is white sweet girl.

I came out to my three Chinese friends from mainland in the one week. They are very good friends of mine . They didn't understand whole things but did respect and support me.

I came out to my friends not living here. The ones in china were just not too bad but not easy for them to know whole things and people in this country were much better.

The toughest two, one was for my two roommates who are Americans. I have some fear first since they could say I didn't tell whole truth. In fact, being my roommate, they had nothing complained about me. At that time I start searching for lover, so before that it was polite to come out. Two months before then I had told our mutual friends about my being different and I would show the respect all the way and they should do the same things. In my life, I never crash any straight friend and only be interested someone who was interested me. So I came out to them and they were very cool with it. One is liberal, no much comment but respect and the other one told me his fiance and he already guess what happen to me because the words from the mutual friends. First they a little bit nervous just because they never had close gay friends before me, but they were happy for my telling the truth.

Another one more tough, B is a very good man and very conservative. He shares Rash Linbough's view who was strong against gay. He is very good friend of mine. I came out to him the last since I didn't want to hurt this friend who is very kind. I didn't tell him but I kept talking about much gay stuff with Lashy (We are co-worker). And I spend most of the weekend in Denver with my lover. So he could guess something happen to me and he was not happy at all. Finally I had enough courage to tell the truth. He didn't say much but I can tell he was struggling about deeply in his mind. This could be disaster for him since one of his very important soul friend turn out to be gay who he used to hate. I felt so happy and released when several days later he told me that after he prayed for many nights god answered his pray that God love me no matter who I am and god love everyone. He admitted he had some prejudice about gay and if I came out two years earlier he would curse me. He told me every one couldn't stop learning about this world. It is so true stop learning means soul dying. Even my parents and my sister refused understanding me but their attitude change pretty much in the last year. I did nothing wrong because the truth always defeat the lies. So I felt so happy for B and he is so cool with his kindness. In the next year when I got the problem with the relationship, B did pretty much praying for me and comforting me. Thank you B. You are so great just because you didn't stop growing.

I came out more to co-worker. Generally, the young white generation have great tolerance about gay. So I had no any problem. One day my boss who is weird but still nice told me if I had a lover, I said yes, he asked if it was he, I said yes. Then he said it is immoral and man always marry woman. I said no and things would be much worse if I did that because it was lie, big lie. He agreed with me and never had any more problem with that.

Above are almost all with white people and coming out to Asians is certainly more difficult. Just around coming out, I had dinner with some Chinese normal friends and family. One guy told everyone that homosexual was only belong to white culture and it was so bad. I stood up, saying shut up. I told them that I got very good gay friends in China and they got mistreated and it was unfair. We argued for long time and one ABC girl (straight) help me attacking his point. We did very good job that we were winner for sure. Other people didn't say much. That night I called the ABC girl and came out to her, she turned out be my very good friend. And that guy apologized to me several days later saying he didn't know much about gays. More, other people in that dinner all felt I could be gay since later when I start the relationship it was easy to guess what happen to me. They all respect me at this point since there is no reason they like to hate me. I am proud of being wonderful human being and I always did my best to treat people right.

The one of the saddest thing I saw in my life is that one of my Mexican friend told me his three Chinese co-worker could be gays and really sucked. I did know these people and they are garbage. My friend H is strong half white man. One guy always smile to H, I have seen this smile before. It stint. He was crushing the straight people without much respect. His smile was with much sexual desire not being friendly. Plus nobody like him being friend. The second one ok first but after one day H took him to one park, he start to like touch H body. H told me he touch almost everything except penis. The last one was a old one, and just like touch man's penis. And H and H's two brother's penises, had been touch by that old Chinese man for many time just because he is boss's brother in law. Everyone hate him this way but no one dare to fight with him. I believe there are so many people in the closet had the same problem. I hate to comment about this. The reason is from the society. Just why I urge every gay come out to himself and some gay friends. That way will avoid the stupid crushing things happen. People in the closet need to see doctor for sure.

(to be continued)