The story of chinese gay...

[mugu]

7. Dating

Being a gay, the most important part is that you need someone for love, for fun, for sex, for care, for joy. Around coming out, I spent very much time thinking about how to find love. It was never easy for me since I am gay, Asian, and Chinese. I sometimes I wish I lived in China since I could find very good lover just like the two in my life. I opened my mind to both Asian and white. I felt sad when I read that gay had too many partners in their lives. Going to the bars would scare me. I had never been to the bar by myself in my life. I had fantasy about white people,even this fantasy finally gone after the first relationship. I don't want to deny the weakness of human being. Some of them did look cute and I have not enough confidence being Asian gays. After totally coming out, I start to figure out how I could find lover. Since I like my state very much and I was thinking about finding a job in Denver, I open my eyes to Denver. I knew there were few openly Asian gay in Denver and lots white didn't like Asians. So I need to put my advertisement in the gay newspaper to find someone who was interested me. I consult it with Lashy and even let her to help me to finish the words for advertisement. So, around late summer, 1995, I put my first ad in the newspaper.

There are only two people answering it. Someone gave me call but hang up phone right away that I guess they were Asian. The first one was William from Denver, 65 miles away. He was nice and just broke up from one relationship. We talk pretty much since I had so much to learn and he had free 1-800 number. He was nice but my feeling was that he couldn't be my lover. He was a little bit overweight and his way didn't fit mine. The worst thing of this is that he had two choices at that time, one is his roommate (they didn't sleep together). He told me he would date me after his failure of first date. I said to myself: **** you, I am not the cheap stuff on sale. So I never thought about I gave my future to him.

The second one was Mike in Avon, 180 miles away. At that time, I was desperately looking for a date. After many year's fighting, I still didn't taste it and I could be wrong about being gay. So I made a blind-date with mike. My car was not in good condition and I worried about that. The bad thing did happen on the way to the mountain. The clutch broken down not far away from Denver and it was too late to fix that car that day so I had to wait overnight. I would spent a lot money for the fix and I didn't have much cash with me. But I had the blanket and some food with me. William was the only one people I knew in Denver but I didn't want to bother him. So I decide to stay in the car. That night was so cold. I had to drink some vodka to keep me warm, listening the the cozy 101 of which my roommate play the music who was DJ. Nothing could stop me to search the love and true happiness. Generally, I need to go back to Fort Collins since Avon still very far away . But I thought I was doing some great thing for my life and I didn't want it fail. I want to be a winner. So the next morning, I gave mike call that I must come there even I was so tired. This is my life journey and I want get something done.

So after one whole day's hard time, I start the car again and continued this trip. When I got there, I was so exhausted. On the way to Avon, I had the first chance to take look at the very beautiful mountain which was one of my goal. So I met the very first date. He was nice and big man. We did have sex. This was the first real gay sex but I didn't get excited at all even with his big thing since I run out of energy. I had no any feeling and just did something for him. I just stay there for one night. The next morning when I took him to his work-place, I wish he would be my lover and see him again since his kindness made me feel I found love. In the next one week, I called mike again and again, trying him be my lover and had the feeling I want to do everything for him. But he made me feel very upset that I realized that he was looking just for sex. He was bi-sexual. So no chance for love.

And I felt not well about this advertisement that I put my second one in the newspaper again. I got so many responses since this time I had major change in the ad. The first response was the vice president of Kodak company in Colorado. We made an appointment but he cancelled the next day. I didn't call him again who was much older than me and had a Asian relationship before.

The second one totally change my life all the way. I didn't pay much attention to this guy Ed first . He is just three years old than me and had Asian date before ,even had been to mainland china before. That made me comfortable. We set up a date. But this time I want make it sure no car broke-down so I was thinking the night before the date I stay in William's apt. This was the only thing I felt sorry for William since I didn't tell him about the whole thing . And I can see two of my dates in two days. In fact, William told me we could be friends first then see what happen. So after one month on the phone, finally I met William. He was much better than I thought. Very nice and caring, two years older than me. He loved me very much. I did sleep with him and he was so excited with me but this time I didn't get problem too. I didn't get any excitement at all and that was ok for William.one reason for this maybe I concern other things always more than sex. That made me not to be excited about sex. He even told me if I had the same problem he would took me to the doctor. I felt he could be my lover again but just an hour later I lost this faith since he was snorting so bad. I try to find place in the living room but it was taken by roommate's friends. I had a bad sleep that I said myself I could love you but I can't live with you. Three day later when I call William again I told him about it, he was very very upset. Plus I met this guy.

All above is my journey to find the truth. American still think I was too conservative and Chinese think I was too liberal. But think about it, when someone living as gay, without any good role Asian models before you , I have to learn things and seek my way in the darkness. I made some mistakes here but the courage I got for searching for love, I am very proud of it . My lessons can benefit my other fellows. In the rest of my life, I will do matchmaker to help other gay Asian to find love.

Before then, I start to browse the net but there were only few Asian group pages there. They didn't give me hope about my gay life since they were too far away. No Chinese pages(even now). And I question about the power of the love, if I found lover from the net, love would move us together? After the next one year tough life, after my contact with Chinese gays in the net, right now I believe the power of the love and love can make miracle. But only few people in this world can show this true love that made me question about it before.

(to be continued)

[mugu]

8. First Relationship

It was 9 o'clock in the morning, I was walking in the street toward the second date place. I felt so exhausted. Not far away from the destination. I saw one guy tall with very good shape and red hair. When he saw me, he jump back into the apt. building. So I had to call the number for Ed. It was him. The guy I saw a moment ago with very good looking and pure blue eye. He looked so young who maybe the youngest white people over thirty I saw in my life. My feeling he was so beautiful that I thought he would not date me. He was so sweet and wonderful. He was very smart and making fun all the time.We had a very good talk for four hours about gay life. It made me realize he was the first person in this world who understood me very much. I was falling in love totally with him. But my mind told me he was too good for me. so I wish he said no. But he said he like me very much and I had a very big heart besides my beautiful eyes. He asked me for relationship. And I asked him for many many times "when are you going to dump me if I date you". He just smiled. We didn't have sex this time which I realized that proved it was good for the relationship.There is always other things more important than sex. I had sex with the first two for two reason. One was fashion for gay white and second is I thought it was not polite not doing that if I said no when I went to other's place. You can call it sex but I can say it was not since I didn't want to and didn't get any feeling for that. We set up seeing each other the next weekend.

The next week I got crazy about him. He was the perfect one or dreaming one for me but I had no confidence at all. And my mind told me not to do that. Life is risk and there are so many choices for you to take, and do not regret the choice you made and be responsible for what you did. I got more information about him. He was from a very rich and powerful family. His full name bear the most popular name of Irish. I worry about the people from the rich family and things proved I was right. But he was one of great human being I have seen in my life, not by his heart but by his talent. His first relationship last for ten years. He had so much fun with his ex, but not much understanding and satisfaction. So after 7 years, his ex asked for a open relationship which made Ed cry for many times. The relationship was going down and there was some abuse there. Finally Ed said goodbye even still love his ex moving to Denver. In the next two years, he had wild date and many dates who looked like everyone of them cheated on him or just for sex, He had one more year relationship which there was no much love and that guy was hiding he had HIV virus. So after two years wandering and hurting, he swore not being faithful again and never would find love anymore. This is so bad in the gay community. More people are looking just for sex not love. So many people play the game but I had pity on them since they never taste true love and gave love to someone else. But Ed's swearing was wrong, he admitted it later. He found good love.

We set up the relationship the next week which I confirm in the first month. We only spent the weekend together. But he gave me 100% percent faithfulness, good trust and understanding, great care. He teach me a lot about this world. And I gave the same thing to him and my whole heart but not my mind. I was so happy with this kind of love just couldn't believe it was true. But my mind told me how long it was going to last. I was dreaming this love and I got it that I thought it was the best thing I can got in my life. I want it last forever. But I was not sure about it so every Monday when I left him for school I almost cried seemed that say goodbye forever. I didn't get very good satisfaction because all the time I want him be happy. And he gave me good love. That was more important than anything else. So when he sent me a engage ring as a birthday gift which he designed for us (pair), I was the happiest person in the world that made me sure the love could last forever. After many year's dark life, finally I got paid back for the effort. My parent for sure didn't like this relationship and my sister refuse to invite us to her house for vacation which made me so sad and feel so discriminated. We changed the idea to go to SF because of that. But it lead to the wrong place which was the night mare in my life.

From the love I got above, I prove that I am gay, love from good man can make me so happy. But some questions occurred to me. If you love someone but you can't be yourself, the love will last forever? I think, the answer is no. Ed gave me confidence about being Asian but sometimes he respect me sometimes he thought he was greater than me. So he seemed to respect me but not totally respect me as a Asian. So should Asian be proud of ourselves? The answer is yes. Judge people is not by the looks but by their personality. We, Asian not only beautiful outside but very good inside. We are cute, smart, hard-working, VERY FAITHFUL, kind, much more. We have young looking, (never find white at the same age looks younger then me) , good shape. Even white had big thing, it never made me excited just curious, it even hurt my confidence since feel small about the size. Love is not curious, is not fantasy, love is let each other stronger, gain confidence, be the best who each side can be, grow up together.

Plus some Asian lover are good lover, for example, I am very good lover, I always gave the best to all my true friends or lover I could give. I never find any male white could be good lover for others,even close. You can call them partners since they never grow up and just have fun together. So when crisis happen they can't handle together. It is amazing to see the Chinese gays I contact to have the deep understanding about love. It gave me so much hope for gay Asian, gay Chinese, even myself.

(to be continued)

[mugu]

9. Living in San Diego

We went to San Diego. And he was thinking even moving there. One reason he love the beach more than the mountains. Second his health was not very good in the cold weather. So he got one interview for transferring work there. I worried about myself since I am not American citizen and we couldn't get marry. There would be much more trouble for me. I was struggling about it even almost ask Lashy to give him a call to stop him. But I didn't do that. FOR LOVE, I CAN DO ANYTHING. I CAN DIE FOR LOVE. So we decide to do my best to help him to realized one of his biggest dream. There days, I had no much smile any more. God, help me. I had the feeling of trouble on me. So we went there. And the interview was good. He got transferred right away. When he told me the good news, I couldn't stop the tears which was the first one after coming out. After being back to the hotel, I still cried and I asked him to promise me to take care of me if I get the trouble when we move to there. He said of course.

The next two weeks I just put all my energy for this moving with my cash. After this spending I still have 3.5 thousand dollar cash with me. I was so afraid to tell my parents and my sister who was my major financial supporter. I told them after we already start to move. I am sure she would be strongly against it. I already felt so much pressure from this moving. For me , this is the biggest risk in my life. So we drove one truck and my convertible car to California for 'gold'. It was weird that on the ride, he start to yell at me for several times. But before that time, he was so so sweet. I never forget on the way out of Colorado, my motherland where I grew up being a gay, I thought a lot about the future and start to cry. Many and many tears came down, I felt that terrible could happen to me. Is this the way to the heaven or to the hell? I had no way coming back since I gave everything to someone I love, even my hope and future. My dear friends, when you read this part, think about this question: what kind love I should get?

When we got there, we were so tied. But he still sometimes yell at me but I didn't argue. I cried for times because the pressure and he asked me why cried I said I was missing the Colorado friends and before I already beg him not yell at me.In the next week, I try my best but not fast to find job for myself where I could not use much resource as in school. The Sunday after the first week, he was not happy with what I did, being with a lots pressure from his new work place. He said something to me: Kurt, I give you three months time, if you could not find job, you need get back to Colorado. I start to cry right away, so much and so much. I knew he was under pressure not wanting take the responsibility. I believe love last forever and he couldn't have this moving without my help. I DON'T DESERVE THIS. He said this word for many times in the next five weeks. Every time I told him: I don't want to be any burden of anyone which is one important personality of mine and I will leave here if I fail to get job in the next several months. But I can't count the drops of my tears. Only the heaven know it. I didn't argue with him ever. Just hide the pain inside myself. Sometimes I sit in the balcony thinking about jumping of it since I almost couldn't find way back. This is the third time I want to kill myself by someone I gave my life to. BUT THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. In the very short time I lost the trust on him to take care of me for the rest of my life. Things didn't get worse. When I try to find way to get survive I got the chance for one part-time job. When I told him about it, he asked me to get full time job. Later he told me I need to get high-paid job which it is so hard to get in the Civil Engineering for the new comer. So, in the next three months, I experience pressure from him, from getting work permit and from the later work. After I got this work , he treat me better and almost back to the way he used to be. The biggest problem in my career happen to me, since I didn't like this job and I realized I would waste my talent being a engineer since I never like it even kept GPA 4.0 in the graduate school. I got sick physically and spiritually. I got through so much **** in the short time. And even when I pick him up from the airport after his vacation in SF, the first thing he said was: Kurt, I still think if you couldn't find high paid job, I need move on my life, period. How cold he is.

In the next month, I was thinking something by myself. How to come back and get survive.One thing for sure that he didn't deserve my love and I don't need die for him.I love him but I don't want to live in his way. And if I stay there for any longer with the trouble of my career coming, he had no ability to take it. The relationship which was back to good would be getting worse.I don't want to give him more pressure, letting me handle the pressure by myself. It is time say goodbye to keep the very good memory. My friend in Colorado support me, my sister offer the critical confidential and future finance support for changing major. So one night I told him I would go back to CSU for school and ask for permission or when was the right time for him, I still worry about him very much. He told me to come back to school right away. At that time I really thank him for this understanding and letting me free. He was still cool but not happy at all. One time he told me he thought he waste time being with me, I told him it was not fun move to CA then back without any job guarantee. Finally he said being with me let him ignite the desire for love. That's true but don't take love for granted. Love is trust, understanding, responsibility, caring, ever-lasting. He hope someday we will reunited and I said I could wait for him for the rest of my life if he want me to. I still love him even he hurt me so bad. Just because this is my first love, I want save it.

From this relationship, I learn a lots about the life, about the love, about loving myself, being a gay and Asian. It gave me happiness but it also gave me huge pain. But it made me so tough. Finally I could tell the whole world. I AM A MAN.

LOVE IS TRUST, HONESTY, FAITHFULNESS, CARING, UNDERSTANDING, UNSELFISHNESS AND RESPONSIBILITY (we had problems for the later two).

Love is wonderful. It let me feel peace, caring, confident, so on. But where is the true and sweet love? For it I paid big big price for that, I still keep my faith. If I can't find right one, I just live by myself. That way I can still be the way who I am. I will never give up love for sex. I will never on sale for sex. But I am always on sale for true love. I have save my everything for my next, should be the last. Second is always my lucky number. And I swore already that my love is only belong to Asian or Chinese. I love my fellow, not just physical but also very deep from my soul.

(to be continued)

[mugu]

10. My Coming Back

On the way back to Colorado, I didn't cry since I felt free and could keep the way who I was. The biggest loss would be the love he gave to me, but I had learn the greatest love at all is LOVING YOURSELF WITH DIGNITY. I came back for the hope and for the future. I did the best I could to save the love and he let me made the toughest decision to say goodbye which he latter told me it did hurt him so bad. I am the only one in his life who are faithful to him and say goodbye to him (he always dump others). It is funny that he didn't dump me but I dump him because I can control my life more than he did. I am a strong responsible man who can make tough decision. Just because he was the first of my love and I used to gave everything to him, in the next couple months I told him I want to save my love for him when he start dating with someone. But I want to make sure he still love me, so one night I gave him a call. asking if I was still his lover at that time, he said no. I asked if in the future I would be his lover he said not sure. I felt so upset, told him I knew him more than himself and he would never find long time lover if he kept this way, but I still told him to wish him the best. I felt so released since it was over, true love is everlasting and I don't want to play the game. It was the time let him go forever. The last time I got his letter, he said he always love me and had very good memory with me and want to be back with me after the relationship at that time (see the problem?). I didn't say much , just wish him find true love and happiness.

In the next two months, I was just miserable and thought I would never get through it. I did miss something, not his body but his love and sweetness. I spent time on thinking about the past. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with this kind love? I was blind before love. I gave everything for love. Suddenly I lost everything even some hope for the life. I maybe had no confidence about finding another lover.

I got an anger about the life. This feeling didn't turn out to be negative things but positive ones. I swore to help my fellow Chinese to get through what I got through. So I want to unite gay Chinese and support them. It was very tough, even some Chinese discourage me doing this, some gay white are not friendly either. Even I almost gave up this idea. But I won some very good true friends help, some Asians, some Chinese, even one still living china. All the people who help me gave me the new meaning about the life, about the friendship,about the love. So, without fear and with much more confidence, I move on my life to a brand new world.

I hope this story will be continued.

--Kurt

Finish on Jan 15, 1997

PS.
Now the story _is_ continuing. Kurt and Joseph are on their way building a new life together, even though we can't marry each other. Please check "Boat of Love".