Body Collector

[scotish_girl13]

hey i am writing a murder mystery, and was wondering if anyone would like to read what i have so far and let me know what you think of it. if you would like to review my story please let me know. thank you

[oneofthefew]

Is Body Collector the title? Sounds good if it is! I've not read a murder mystery for a while - in fact I can't remember the last one I did read - but could review your story for you!

[Polwarth]

Is it a kind of Burke and Hare story?

[scotish_girl13]

yes, Body Collector, is the title.
and i don't know if it is like a Buke and Hare story....never heard of it.

[scotish_girl13]

Body Collector
Prologue

"Bye mate. See ya tomorrow." Linsey exited the convenient store and headed to her car ready to go home. It had been a long day at work and she was tired, feeling ready for bed.
Nearing her car, she fumbled with her keys. As she bent down to pick them up someone startled her.
Officer Morrison was six foot five and had the palest skin in all of Maltland Australia, yet he was handsome. He had light brown hair cut as a flat top like always. And he was one of the strongest men in Australia, an ex-body builder. He and Linsey had known each other since grade school.
"Steven. Why are you here? Shouldn't you be at the station?"
"I came hoping the store was still open. I wanted some coffee and Twinkies. It seems that it's closed, so I better be gettin' back to the station. But first let me help you with that."
The officer helped Linsey into her car and shut the door. Something didn't feel right to Linsey, so she started the car.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can't we talk for a few minutes? We don't get time to catch up, with you working days and me working nights."
"I really should be getting home. It's late and you're expected at the station. Good...” Her sentence was cut short do to the cloth soaked in cloraphorm that was shoved in her face. She tried to push the arm away but its owner was too strong for her. After a few seconds she went limp.
With great ease, Morrison lifted her from the Volvo and into the police car. The first step was done and in the bag, the next step wasn't thought out yet. He had to come up with a plan to get away from the station for as long as he needed.
"Morrison to station, come in station. Over."
"Station here. What is it Morrison? Over."
"There is a mysterious car driving I'll follow it and see what's up. Over."
A weak plan, but one that will work until a better one comes to mind. He started the car and drove out of the parking lot. When he reached the street he turned on the lights, and left the siren silent. He didn't want another cop to hear the siren and come and help him.
As he went speeding down the street a better and more solid plan came to mind.
"Morrison to station, come in station. Over"
"Station here. What was up with that driver? Over"
"It was just an old lady not doing the speed limit. Nothing really. Listen I am not feeling too go. I think I better take to-night off. Over"
"Negative Morrison, we need you here. But I will let you have two hours to get better. Be back here at the station at 1:30. Over"
"Copy that. If you need me I'll be at the hotel. I don't want to drive out to my house with this headache of mine. Over."
Not as much time as he would have liked but it would have to work. He would rent a room at the hotel for one night so he would have an alibi, just in case someone saw him with her in the parking lot. He couldn't afford the risk of getting caught.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

"A room for one, one night please."
"Okay that will be $30."
"What's the room number?"
"Room three for the night. If you need anything just give me a call."
"Okay, will do. Thanks." He left the office and turned to get Linsey out of the car. He propped her against the window frame so he could unlock the door and open it. He threw her on the bed in the dark and shut the door. He went to the bed stand and turned on the lamp. Reaching into his pock he grabbed the smelling salts needed to wake the passed out beauty in front of him.
Linsey was a college graduate. She majored in marine biology. She had always loved the sea. She had a perfectly even tan from being at the beach all the time. And wavy auburn hair to the middle of her back.
"Where am I and what time is it?" Linsey managed to grumble. "And why is it so dark in here? My nose burns, why?"
"Don't worry Linsey you're safe. It's just me and you're here at the hotel. It is 11:45 at night. Your nose hurts because of the smelling salts. I had to wake you up."
"Who's...Morrison! Why did you bring me, what do you want from me?" He looked at her and saw the panic in her radiant green eye. But there was something else there that he could not identify. But he would do his best to find it before her time.
"We don't have much time so do as I say and I'll do my best to make your passing as fast and painless as possible."
"My passing? You intend to kill me. If you intend to do so I will do whatever I must to make it as fast and painless as it can be. But first why are you going to kill me?" There was a bleak misery in her voice.
"Because you love not me. You seemed to ignore the gestures I have done since middle school. Have you not realized that I have loved you forever?" His eyes were flooded with sadness. "But no you seemed more interested in Derik. A Langley. A Yank!" In an instant that sorrow turned to rage filled with hate. "What I need from you is a phone call to your dear Derik. Tell him to meet you here, at this time, on this day." He handed Linsey a sheet of paper with the information on it. As she pre-read the paper the other emotion came to his mind. "You don't seem to fear the though of death. Do you wish yourself dead?"
"I do not want to be dead, yet I do not want to be living. But if I had to choose from the two I would choose death so that I could see all those I love that have gone before me. So no, I guess I do not fear death, but in a way welcome it."
"That is good. Now make the call."
It didn't take long for the call to go through but it took a while to calm Derik down.
"It is almost mid-night where are you? Is something the matter?"
"No honey, nothings the matter. I am just staying at a hotel for the night. I wanted some alone time. Listen I need you to meet me at the bar down the street from my store at 1:30 tomorrow. Well, I'm really tired; I think I will head in now. Love you Derik. Bye."
"Love you too Linsey. See you tomorrow. Bye."
She hung up the phone with a grieving slam. "What do you want Derik for? What are you going to do to him?"
"Nothing that you need be worried about. I know you do not fear death, but do you fear pain? Because your death is going to be full of it. Now, we don't have much time so let’s go so that I can get started."

[Polwarth]

What's a 'grieving slam'?

[oneofthefew]

My opinion so far isn't one you'll like I'm afraid! First of all, I think you have revealed too much too soon - so there's not exactly much "mystery". Also the structure of your actual writing leaves something to be desired; too much speaking and not enough scene setting. Maybe if you lengthen out some of the paragraphs it might not read so much like a series of bullet points? Other than that - well, you probably don't want to hear any more from me!