hard stories

[HollyElise]

Originally posted by kathyv
Well Holly, this puts a different 'twist' on things!

My critique....

This was an emotionaly tugging example of a memory. It did evoke strong feelings in your audience.

I am curious as to why you placed the cake and flowers on the piano and why the piano is set in the dining room. When I think 'dining room', I mentally see table, chairs, china hutch, dishes etc... When I think 'piano', I see music, pictures, candle sticks, metrenome....Was this a placing from your memory or is there a symbolic refrence that I have missed?

"I was the adult he yelled at." I like how you have foreshadowed the girl into the future. Taking a little girl who has had to grow up quickly, putting her into an impossible situation for a kid to handle, then giving her the skills to take care of herself. But her dad can't see that. In a way she, at 8 is more mature than her adult parents; hosting and serving and saving the party. But you lent her such an innocense when doing all this and there is dignity from the scolding because of her actions.

I did feel a bit lost about the Sean and the others refrence at the beginning. Do you think developing the reasons for their indifference toward the girl could help? Are they just busy? Do they really not care or understand the girls needs? Do you have plans to resolve their indifference towards her?

I think this is a good essay and worth developing. What were some of the comments you got from your group? If you don't mind sharing, that is!

Kathy,

Thank you so much. Yes, these are exactly the kind of honest comments i was looking for.

No one in my group mentioned the oddity of the piano. Now that you mention it, i can see that. If i decide to fictionalize this i will change that, however, this is one reason i mentioned it was true. There was a piano. Also a table, chairs, etc. I did not place the paper flowers on piano... either my mom or dad did. I did not place the cake there... my mom did, and i was too small i think to move the whole cake easily. There was a centerpiece on the table, i think, as well as gifts for the guests. I will rethink my descriptions of the room.

I'm glad you mentioned the Sean thing, because it is exactly what Rick in my group said (Rick by the way, formerly taught writing at a University)... that it's inclusion raises too many questions as it is (who is Sean?, what is happening, etc?) so something should be done.... either it should be left off entirely, or the story should be expanded so that the readers understand why that was significant and can feel with me my "AHAH" moment. My group was enthusiastic and mostly of a mind i should expand this into memoirs of book length (but then several of them are doing memoirs so i wondered if it was a bias), and this would be but a small part of it. I mentioned Sean and the others because for me that was the most important part the other morning... how it relates to now.... the present. The memory was but an insight as to why i feel helpless in some of my relationships the way i do today. Your comment and those from others, makes me see that i have not gotten that idea across, so it is very helpful.

I have no emotional perspective on the piece, so i have to take people's word for it that it "did evoke strong feelings" or as my group said, "powerful." Don't laugh, but to me it seems simple and even pale and i really would not have any idea what peoples reactions might be if they didn't say. So these comments are also helpful.

"Do you think developing the reasons for their indifference toward the girl could help? Are they just busy? Do they really not care or understand the girls needs?" Unfortunately, i don't know the answers to these questions, and i'm dying to know! "Do I have plans to resolve their indifference to her?" ...dry laughing... I WISH!!!!!

[HollyElise]

Originally posted by anneli
Holly, thanks for sharing this with us.
I never had real problems in my life, no illness, no hard childhood and I´m really feeing grateful for that! It must be very hard to cope with things like that even if it happened a long time ago.

Thank you, Anneli. I cope with it by feeling, then learning, then moving on. It really isn't that bad. I don't carry the past around with me every day.

Once in a while, though, I see how the past has left me scars... tender spots where a direct hit hurts vastly more then it should. That's like this case. I really don't feel upset at all when i think of my eighth birthday... BUT... on the other hand today i'm in a situation where someone i love is not responding to my repeated attempts to communicate... that really really freaks me out and makes me extraordinarily helpless, and i have great trouble letting go of it. That was my "AHAH" and the real reason i decided to write that morning. It's like being haunted by ghosts of the past.