our poetry

[HollyElise]

Originally posted by Monco


The Fool

He said that he was God.
'We are well met,' I cried.
'I've always hoped I should
Meet God before I died.'

I slew him then and cast
His corpse into a pool,
- But how I wish he had
Indeed been God, the fool!

Monco! Thank you for contributing!

[HollyElise]

Originally posted by HollyElise

All right... this is probably going to be much to my embarassment, but i've just gotten my watch from upstairs and i'm going to give it a try. Too bad TomSawyer is not around to see me fall on my face, i think he'd enjoy that.

_______________


I would give so much to be held this night.
It is not a night of great need,
For the storms have passed through
And all is still and quiet.

Perhaps i long to be held because the afterstorm air
is so like
when two lovers hold each other in the dark
after making sweet love.

It's hot, and sticky, in this summer night.
The air is thick like nectar.
There is nothing but deep moist breath
and touch and sweetness.

Nothing moves. It languishes lovingly on the sheets.
There is no energy for to move and no desire
Except to be touching and enjoy the moment.
There are no words, no time passes when you are together.

But alone i am and it is lonely hot summer night
The stillness a horror to the heart
The heat holds no sweet bliss,
Just the memories that haunt, and the emptiness of the night.

_________________

With a minute to spare!

errrg! Now my editor's hat has snuck on my head and things are leaping out at me about this poem that are bothersome. For instance... do you think "languishes" is the right word to use here?

And "alone" and "lonely" in the same line... sometimes i like using alliteration and repetition in my poems but i don't think this line is making it.

Okay.. i'll stop now and let you comment.

[Sharp_Kid]

Originally posted by HollyElise
"Fortune calls my name,
For we are one and the same. "

Are you one and the same with fortune? This is how i read it the first time, but you're talking about a woman, right?

Fortune calls my name = I'm very lucky.
For we are are one and the same = because you and I are lovers.
I guess that's not very clear but I thought it was a nice way of saying it.
And yes, I'm talking about the woman. The one that breaks your heart every time you look at her.

And, “Whenever I think you’re right, you’re right”.... um..... I haven’t a CLUE! What are you saying here? Are you saying she is right because you love her so much she can’t do wrong?

That's kind of what I'm saying, but more sort of when I'm on the crest of that wave you are there with me and everything is groovy.

Because it sounds a little more like, “you’re only right when i say you are”

Yeah, I guess it does, but in context I hope I can get away with it.

Here you’ve got “love’s blast,” “hypnotism,” dreaming and driving. Can this be simplified?

Probably not by me! I had trouble with getting enough in to these lyrics to warrant a song more than 30 seconds long, which is why I asked for some help. I tried my hardest not to let them overlap too much, so that there was a stark contrast. I'm hoping it refelcts how I think. When I'm really talking to someone about something important to me, I have so many words trying to come out of my mouth all at the same time that sometimes the confussion conveys the nervousness and the sheer volume of what I want to say.

I just felt a little on the outside because i couldn’t understand some of the references.

I wanted to make sure that people knew this was intimate and felt slightly outside of it, even if they knew what it was about, but I suspect you mean something completely different by 'on the outside'.

Does this help?

Oh, absolutely. I think I'll take it away for a while, mull over what you've said, and work on it a little more. Try and convey the message a little more clearly (but not too clearly).

Thanks, Holly, this is the sort of 'constructive criticism' I wanted.

[Sharp_Kid]

Originally posted by HollyElise
errrg! Now my editor's hat has snuck on my head and things are leaping out at me about this poem that are bothersome. For instance... do you think "languishes" is the right word to use here?

'Languishes' is perfect. Do not change it. I read that line about four times before moving on. I like that line.

And "alone" and "lonely" in the same line... sometimes i like using alliteration and repetition in my poems but i don't think this line is making it.

It didn't really roll off the tongue in the way the rest of the poem did. I'm not saying it's wrong, just that it felt a bit rough.

Perhaps i long to be held because the afterstorm air
is so like
when two lovers hold each other in the dark
after making sweet love.

I'm not entirely sure of the structure of this line either, although I realise what you're saying and it should be said.
Perhaps something like;

the memory of sweet love,
brought to me by the afterstorm air,
makes me long to be held.

Perhaps not. I dunno. It just felt a bit too rushed. Perhaps because you wrote the whole thing in 14 minutes!

As a whole it's good, and I'm sure it will be even better if you keep your editors hat on and juggle with it a bit.

I read it whilst at work and I didn't know whether to think about the atmosphere or the fact that I needed a hug!

[HollyElise]

Originally posted by Sharp_Kid

Fortune calls my name = I'm very lucky.
For we are are one and the same = because you and I are lovers.
I guess that's not very clear but I thought it was a nice way of saying it.
And yes, I'm talking about the woman. The one that breaks your heart every time you look at her.

I think the problem here is actually somewhat grammatical... if you fix the grammar, it will fix the confusion. When you use the word "we" it refers to at least two people, but they haven't been introduced so you don't know who they are. I see this more commonly when people use the word "it" but don't pay attention to the noun that precedes it, so sometimes "it" refers to something else than they mean, or if they are starting a paragraph off then "it" doesn't refer to anything, really.

When I'm really talking to someone about something important to me, I have so many words trying to come out of my mouth all at the same time that sometimes the confussion conveys the nervousness and the sheer volume of what I want to say.

Chuckle.... that's so cute!

I just felt a little on the outside because i couldn’t understand some of the references.

I wanted to make sure that people knew this was intimate and felt slightly outside of it, even if they knew what it was about, but I suspect you mean something completely different by 'on the outside'.[/quote][/b]

Good! Then i think you got it.

Thanks, Holly, this is the sort of 'constructive criticism' I wanted.

You're welcome. It was my pleasure.

[HollyElise]

Originally posted by Sharp_Kid

'Languishes' is perfect. Do not change it. I read that line about four times before moving on. I like that line.

It didn't really roll off the tongue in the way the rest of the poem did. I'm not saying it's wrong, just that it felt a bit rough.

I'm not entirely sure of the structure of this line either, although I realise what you're saying and it should be said.
Perhaps something like;

the memory of sweet love,
brought to me by the afterstorm air,
makes me long to be held.

Perhaps not. I dunno. It just felt a bit too rushed. Perhaps because you wrote the whole thing in 14 minutes!

As a whole it's good, and I'm sure it will be even better if you keep your editors hat on and juggle with it a bit.

I read it whilst at work and I didn't know whether to think about the atmosphere or the fact that I needed a hug!

Cool! And good feedback, thank you. I'm going to "tweak" it today and then take it to my group tonight and get more feedback.