Poem: Doubt....(Looking for Suggestions)

[curious_mind]

Hi there. I was wondering if anybody would like to help me with my poem. I'd like to hear some suggestions that would help it grow more and better.

Whips of harsh words spoken so very clear,
Nowhere surprising that pain covers you,
No need to see that daylight is not near,
Distressing to find that doubt is there too.
Who is at fault? Confusion is increased,
Uttering not a single, tiny word,
Longing that your spirit could be released,
Hoping to be something free as a bird.
These emotions you do not year to know,
Walls will be raised and doors shall be shut tight,
These emotions you struggle to let go,
Blinds will be open in hopes you might.
Take my hand and we will march towards dawn
Together we shall see if life goes on.

Any suggestions or thoughts would be great. Thanks
**curious_mind**

[kathyv]

It looks like a very nice start! I would suggest maybe replacing some of your simple language with figurative language... Example...

You wrote,
'Blinds will be open in hopes you might'

Maybe something like "Blinds peek open..." Personify your inatimate opjects, a cool literary trick! Keep writing!

[curious_mind]

Thank you...I will try and do that. The example: "Blinds peek open..." will surely add more 'color' to the poem. Thanks again.

[Daharsh]

It is on rare occasions that a contemporary poet - or aspiring poet - evinces his or her aptitude for the craft. One of the greatest detriments to modern poetry is the dearth of incoherent meter; worse than this is the rife dogma that incoherent meter is an art in itself and a module of free expression not bound by the 'conventional laws of poetics.'
Though the meter was often inaccurate - do not take offense to this - your own awareness of Iambic pentameter and your attempts to maintain such a meter manifests your own poetic abilities. I agree with the last personage who responded to your poem stating that personification would liven your piece. The thought which the poem encompasses adn the mood in which it was written is consistent and concrete. Remember that there IS a difference between poetry and prose. That difference is NOT: Poetry is merely segregated prose. Prose relies on teh coelescing of units (words) to convey a single thought. Poetry conveys plausibly infinite thoughts and meanings with each word. Keep this in mind when writing poetry. Do not write to write but write to speak.
When writing in meter - as all poems should should in meter be written - assay (endeavor) to write with each word evoking its natural rhythm in dialect so as when the poem is read aloud teh natural stress' of the words to not need to eb altered to realize the meter of each verse.

Isaac McGonagall

[curious_mind]

Hello,
Thanks for the advice on my poetry. No, I didn't take offense on the statement about the Iambic pantameter. Actually, it was my first time learning how to write in this format and was the first time I had ever heard of it as well. We had an assignment to do and this was one of the formats I had to follow.
One of the things I also want to thank you was the reminder that not all poems have to be in a certain format and that words should be able to flow naturally, instead of choosing a certain word for the sake of the meter. As a poet, I tend to write in free format. However, I envy the poets that are able to express their thoughts beautifully using a format, such as rhyming.

--difficulty in rhyming--
*curious_mind*

[kathyv]

Curious_mind, keep in mind that the BEST poetry is what you love.... technique isn't as important as passion.

[gunseli]

dont ask for a suggestion or correction my friend.poem is what you feel.poem is feelings' becoming alive.just leave it like this and keep on giving life to your feelings.