bulimia

[deathlypale]

i wrote this.
wanted to share it.


Guilt trip

I didn't want to but I ate it all, everything there was.
Then I lay there remembering that I'd be alive a bit longer now,
Remembering the loneliness…that food never filled the emptiness
Food never stopped the fear, never tamed the hatred
It just nurtured the demon.

I let it all go…one more guilt trip,
I fall to my knees…my ritualistic healing,
Let go of the food, the memory, the fear, the guilt
Let go of the food, let go of my life…

I didn't want to but I heard it all
And took it all in
Took in your worried words
Your concerns, your fears
And I listened

Another ****ing guilt trip…

It will be different this time…the refrigerators open…I'll stop before the demons wake up…

I took it all, took it all again.
Took all I could, I took everything there was.
Nothing's changed…the demons weren't listening…insomniac monster…

Here comes the guilt trip…

The swelling has started but I can't stop eating,
The sickness is rising but I can’t stop eating
The fear is building but I can't stop eating.
Got to fill this infinite hole.

One last guilt trip…I'm letting go of it all…ritualistic healing

Maybe it will be different tomorrow.
I can be strong, make my body weaker
I can be strong, stop feeding the demon, eat nothing
I can be strong…I can be thin.

[Jaclyn23]

Those are some strong words. how are you doing now?

[jacobitedreamer]

Oh my, this is really a great way to express it! Is there any way we can help you? If you want to talk, you can also email me.

[mle]

wow... that made me cry. im currently tryin to deal with my bulimia.. but im having a really bad time at the moment and just raided my flat for food, including my housemates food, then made myself sick. I knew i was going to do it before i started eating. i didnt need to eat but i wanted to make myself sick. i feel better after doing it. but i dont want to do it. i cam eon line to find something to help me. is there any real way to make it go away. i feel like im goin to spend the rest of my life like this.

[HollyElise]

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling with this. I've had friends with anorexia and bulemia. I know it is very hard. It's usually not something you can kick on your own. I hope you have some help. There are lots of websites on bulemia and there may be support groups in your area... have you tried any of those?

[jacobitedreamer]

Hello mle,

I am sorry it took me so long to write back, my ISDN was completely destroyed and Telekom needed some time to get it repaired again.

My, you really sound down floor, but I think there is a pretty lot of strength in you. If ever you need a wee chat, let me know, okay? You can also use my private email address, which is spirit_of_montrose@yahoo.de

Advise of a doctor is one thing, but sometimes it is good to talk to someone - anonymously first, and then step out into the light. Big hug!

[jonesy216]

Thank you for sharing your words. You demonstrated a great deal of courage in telling your struggles with bulimia. I have experienced friends and family memebers who have struggled with an eating disorder. I wish you all the best in overcoming the disease. Please continue to reach out through the board....even though I may not know how to respond, I am listening.

Warm regards,

Kimberly